Who Wants to Be Harry's SnuggleBuddy?
by sibbielee113
Summary: 18 anonymous contestants compete for the heart of Harry Potter. Who will win? And just how shocking will the contestants be? Last Leaving Contestant: Contestant 2 - Ginny Weasley -
1. Prologue

Hola, mis amigos, y bienvenidos a mi historia nueva. Erm... I hope I said that right.

No, I haven't forgotten my other story, I'm just stuck on writing the dream-sequence the next chapter starts with.

I do not own anything related to Harry Potter or The Beatles (except CDs, DVDs, books, and the like). This story is based on the original "gameshow" called "Who Wants to Be Midnight's Snuggle-Buddy?".

* * *

"As Hagrid had said, what would come, would come… and he would have to meet it when it did." – last line of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ by JK Rowling

"Everyday this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again…" – p. 3 of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ by JK Rowling

Harry sighed. Maybe this thing Hagrid suggested wouldn't turn out after all. Maybe he would never get over what had happened that past June during the third task of the Triwizard Cup.

Orange hues gone purple told Harry that he should perhaps climb off the roof of number 4 Privet Drive. Sunset was the best and most discrete time for post to come, so if nothing arrived in that half hour then nothing more would arrive that day. Besides that, after dark a person would be lucky if he made it off his roof alive, especially in the case of the roof of this mass-manufactured suburban house.

One long fall later, Harry rubbed his head and swatted for the stupid mosquito that stung him. Instead, his hand found a note:

------------------------- O'Harmonie : Wizzard Felloefhip for 1282 Yeerf ------------------

Deare Mifter Durfley,

We hath founde you a Matche!

-----------------------------------

Name: Veronica Ryan

Eyes: Green

Hair: Black

Enjoys: butterbeer with honey, traveling, playing chess,

hanging out with friends, anywhere will do. Just

as long as there's lots of toys, I'll be happy to

hang with you!

-----------------------------------

A reprefentative twill meet you Bothe at thee Leaky Cauldron at 7 o'clock

tommoroe nite.

-------- This beest an automated anfwering fervice. We bide you not reply. --------------

"Veronica…" Harry smiled. Maybe he could get over Cedric after all.

----

"Welcome to the Leaky Cauldron!" the bartender waved. "Ermmm… you can leave your suitcoat and your flowers on the counter if you like."

"Thank you!" Harry grinned. Tonight was going to be his night.

----

From the opposite corner of the pub, Tom Riddle jolted. Of all people… he wasn't expecting…

----

"Hey, have you seen a black-haired, green-eyed girl anywhere around here?" Harry asked the guy on the stool next to him.

"Dunno," he shrugged. "Only black-haired guy dressed up as much as you is sitting over there in that corner, perhaps he can help you."

Harry turned in the direction he was pointing.

----

"Shitshitshitshitshit, don't recognize me, don't recognize me," Tom muttered.

Harry winked and glided over to his table. "Might you be Veronica Ryan?"

"Yes, but I go by Ryan. My father named me after a porn star." Tom seethed inwardly at his own stupidity. He should've never tried a dating service.

"Lemme order you a butterbeer! Honey, right?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Tom stared at the butterbeer he had already ordered. _Find a way out before he recognizes you and your reputation is ruined_, he frantically thought.

"Ack!" Harry cried as he fell over in pain.

_Oh no, it's his scar! I gotta run! I gotta run!_

"Would you believe it, I tripped over a stuffed snake! I wonder who left that in here… Oh yeah! You like toys, don't you?" Harry smiled.

"Yes, they delight me… very much so…" Tom didn't know whether to feel relieved or to feel embarrassed. _Crap, what's Nagini doing here?_

"But it's so cute!" Harry picked Nagini up. "Hello!" Harry squeaked while opening and closing its mouth. "I'm Snakey! I want to be your friend! I love you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tom shrieked as Harry pressed Nagini towards his face to give him a kiss.

Harry's face fell. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"Don't you DARE call me sweetie! Here I am, minding my own business, and then YOU come along! And you ruin EVERYTHING! How am I supposed to get my life back after 14 years if… if YOU keep… keep… keep…" Tom frustratedly punched the table, unable to put words to his frustration. "RUINING MY LIFE?! FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Tom stomped out.

Harry's eyes widened. His pupils dilated, only focusing on the door.

----

"WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO?????" Harry sobbed into Dumbledore's shoulder later that night.

"There there…" Dumbledore patted his back. The owner of the pub had called Dumbledore to be Harry's designated driver after the 10th bottle banged upside the head.

"And… and… I don't even know what I did wrong!" Harry wailed. "How could he just… LEAVE ME THERE?" A fresh wave of tears crashed on the rough shore of Dumbledore's epic facial hair.

"Maybe that just wasn't the way for you to go." Dumbledore shrugged… as much as he could with a hormonal teenager hanging onto him.

"Well, what other ways are there supposed to be?!" Harry cried.

Dumbledore's eyes lit up. An idea had been brewing in his mind, but he had not yet had an excuse to try it.

"Let me show you my latest plan…"

----

Three weeks later, a panel of judges (Professors Lockhart, Trelawney, and Moody) narrowed the competition down to 18 contestants.

"Annnnnd next week!" a purple-suited Dumbledore cheesed up the microphone, "we'll have the person you've all been waiting for FINALLY ready to choose for himself! The contestants will be purely anonymous, so he won't know who he's picking! How will we do this? Just wait and see! Come watch our season premiere on the next episode of…. WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE BUDDY!"

Roll credits (to the song "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles).

* * *

Just for the record, all of the contestants will be anonymous (they will be disguised but never as themselves). If you (the readers) keep track of all of the dropped hints and review and guess correctly who the contestants are, I will be throwing out treats when the contestants leave the show. I hope you guys enjoy this!


	2. Season Primere

This show is based on the original show "Who Wants to Be Midnight's Snuggle-Buddy?". Disclaimer listed during sponsor's commercial.

----

"Hello, and thank you for joining us for the season premiere of WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE BUDDY!" Dumbledore gleamed in his blue suede suit, motioning to the stage where a waving Harry Potter lounged on a couch.

The live audience in the studio cheered as the Rent-A-Band played "I Am The Walrus" (by The Beatles) to the tune of the opening credits.

----

"I'm so nervous!" tittered one of the 18 crowded backstage.

Others were silent. They were more thinking about what Harry would think if he knew who they really were.

Some of them hailed from Gryffindor. Others of them were enemies harboring a secret longing. The rest were all adults who worried about child molestation charges.

If only they knew who each other were…

----

"Annnnnnd, here we have THE JUDGES!" The spotlight moved from Dumbledore's swedeness to the stage right entrance. The audience applauded eagerly.

"Fresh from St. Mungo's, GILDEROY LOCKHART!"

Lockhart waved and flashed his blinding white teeth. Teenage girls swooned. The rest were all holding their heads in pain.

"Somebody shake me 'cuz I must be sleeping, it's SIBYL TRELAWNEY!"

Trelawney gazed soulfully at the audience and waved. Everyone with Tylenol on hand stared in wonder at her thick lenses.

"And finally, we're just madly in love with MAD-EYE MOODY!"

"Aw, shut the crap up already!" Moody grumbled as he stumbled to the judges table.

Dumbledore only allowed himself to be offended for a moment before sliding back into his newfound element and exclaiming, "Now, Harry will deliver his task to the contestants backstage in our Rad Room!"

A video of the Rad Room appeared on the screen on the back of the stage.

"Hel-LO, contestants!" Harry simpered. "Tonight you are going to serenade me with your favorite song, accompanied by our Rent-A-Band, waving behind me."

The 6-membered Rent-A-Band waved. One of the members immediately got his hand stuck in his fro, and the others had to yank his arm out to save it from being swallowed.

"You have one commercial break! Good luck!" Harry cheerfully waved.

The video went dead.

"What will the contestants sing? Who will Harry reject? Your results and more… after the break." Dumbledore waved.

Cue commercial break.

* * *

A man with long shaggy brown hair fades in, lit by a solitary lamp and filled with darkness behind. 

"You are not going to like me," he states.

He lets a dramatic pause fly by.

"No, really, you're not. I have dirty pants problems, I can assure you. If you get to know me, you'll like me even less as my story goes on. So it's probably best if you just observe my drunken staggering from a distance. Because, like I said, you are not going to…"

"JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The man jumps, knocking over the chair and turning around to the darkness behind him. "What?! What?! HOW DID YOU FIND ME??????"

The video blinkers out in just enough time to see several fangirls foaming at the mouth and charging at the hapless Duke of Rochester.

* * *

"Annnnnnd we're back to WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE BUDDY!" 

The audience took their cue perfectly and cheered. Harry waved from his couch.

"Without further adieu, we will begin the task! Contestant number 1!"

Contestant 1 was barely shaking as she strode onstage.

Harry jumped. "A… Aunt Petunia????"

Contestant 1 turned away, trying not to laugh too hard at the look on Harry's face.

"Now, see here, Harry," Dumbledore laughed for the audience. "The rules go that the contestants are anonymous. Here we use the costumes from the movies! The contestants are never disguised as themselves, for the record, although they might use the same disguise more than once…"

Harry sighed in relief. "Goooood…"

Contestant 1 adjusted the mike for herself, making sure that it was positioned exactly right. She tried not to look at the crowd as the Rent-A-Band bassist and guitarists played the opening notes to her song.

"It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile since I first saw you  
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile since I could call you"

Contestant 1 grew more dramatic with the chorus as the music became more intense.

"And everything I can remember  
As… effed up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've stretched myself beyond my needs"

The Rent-A-Band stopped playing. Contestant 1 suddenly became interested in the hair on her knuckles as the audience made their obligatory noise. Dumbledore nodded in approval at the bleeping.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"I thought that was supposed to be a guy singing that, and you seemed a bit angry, but you did WAY COOL! Oh, wait, this is about Harry? Oh, yeah, sorry man, you seem a little too emo in this task, you might see yourself getting booted." – Lockhart

"You did wonderfully. You look absolutely beautiful. I don't see why Harry shouldn't like you for who you are." – Trelawney

"Honestly, you did great on the song. You might come off a little intimidating to be able to sing that low though. See what Harry thinks." – Moody

--

"Intimidating, huh?" replied Contestant 1. "I never really thought of myself as intimidating. I suppose sometimes I have my violent tendencies, but I'm good at keeping them in check."

"Thank you, Contestant 1!" Dumbledore grinned while showing her the door. Dumbledore was very proud of this skill. He'd learned and practiced it while watching Little Miss Sunshine. "Next we have Contestant 2!"

Contestant 2 stepped out from the wings, taking care to give Harry a special gaze before launching into her song. She closed her eyes, as if she was thinking about something else that had nothing to do with the competition.

"And I give up forever to touch you  
And I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't wanna go home right now  
And all I can taste is this room  
And all I can breathe is your light  
And sooner or later it's over  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight"

Then, in a loud, rambunctious, and strangely poppy voice, she sang,

"And I don't want the world to see me  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am"

"… Well then," Dumbledore cocked his head.

And now for judges' comments:

--

"You were rockin' out there man! I just LOVE the song! But you seem really distracted and disconnected." – Lockhart

"You're so darling. I love the song. I think you're perfect for Harry." – Trelawney

"Great song, but I agree with Gilderoy, you seem ENTIRELY disconnected. – Moody

--

"Do I really?" Contestant 2 shook her head. "Um… I guess… maybe I'm just a little nervous." _Dammit, maybe this idea won't work after all_.

Dumbledore pat her on the back before shoving her offstage. "Next we have Contestant 3!"

Contestant 3 took the form of Lee Jordan with strangely combed and slicked down hair. The Rent-A-Band bustled around frantically, trying to find a full orchestra. Finally, one of them (a guy with spiky red-highlighted hair) managed to find a recording and stuck the CD in a beat-up boombox. Contestant 3 took no notice of this, as he rarely took notice of such trivial happenings pertaining to others, crouched into a sexy pose, and sang, "Give em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle them,"

He then got up and started walking down the stage, whilst shaking his shoulders to the music. "Give em an act with lots of fashion, and the reaction will be passionate," he sang while summoning a flower and throwing it with a cheesed up grin to Harry. Harry caught it with a gleam of admiration in his eyes. Contestant 3 continued,

"Give em the old hocus pocus  
Bead and feather em  
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?  
What if your hinges all are rusty?  
What if in fact you're JUST disgusting?"

Contestant 3 shuddered at the thought, then finished, "Razzle dazzle them, and they'll never catch wise."

"Well, you've sure razzled and dazzled everyone, haven't you?" said Dumbledore with a big smile. The audience clapped, and Dumbledore replied by waving his arms in the air and generally acting like a presidential candidate trying to butter up a swarm of nitwits, ahem, fellow citizens, who don't really realize what the person is actually gaining support for.

Not that Dumbledore had anything in mind of the sort. No, really.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"You're the best in the competition! Man, you've gotten everyone going so HOT for you!" – Lockhart

"… Who are you? I really…" – Trelawney

"Oh, great, let's all fall in love here. Now, seriously, points for coming out of your shell right away and getting Harry's attention, however this seems extremely… I don't know, superficial. You know the meaning of the word plastic? That's what I'm talking about." – Moody

--

"You mean like beauty is only skin-deep?" Contestant 3 replied. Before Moody could answer, Contestant 3's face lit up as he exclaimed, "You think I'm beautiful too? Gosh, and I thought this disguise sucked!" Contestant 3 began a happy dance until Dumbledore hooked him off the stage.

Dumbledore chuckled for the benefit of the audience at Contestant 3's antics, then announced, "And now for Contestant 4!"

"Hold up!" Harry cried. "I'm bored! I need a break! Cut to a commercial, PLEEEEEASE!"

"Huh, like we could allow THAT to happen," Dumbledore sniffed.

"Why not?" Harry whined.

"We will not be giving contestants unfair advantages."

"Oh, screw the contestants! This isn't about time and preparation anyway! It's all about me! ME! You're all trying to please ME!"

"Now, now, Harry, there'll be no screwing the contestants…" The tall Rent-A-Band drummer did a drum riff and the audience laughed. "I just had to say that," grinned Dumbledore cheesily. "And fine, everyone, we're taking a break!"

Cue commercial break.

* * *

"And now comes the record you've all been waiting for!" 

The video zooms in on a bright CD cover with a NOW font and a psychedelic background.

"SAVE YOUR SOUL: AN ACCORDIAN TRIBUTE TO THE WORKS OF JEWEL"

The video starts slowing down… and down….

"Buuuuuut thaaaat's noooooot all………"

The video goes dead.

The TV gods have spoken.

* * *

"And we're back! We welcome to the stage Contestant number 4!" Dumbledore waved his arm across to where a red-eared Ginny Weasley was emerging. 

Contestant 4 was not very happy about his disguise. He found it extremely embarrassing and by dressing this way he'd learned more about Ginny than he cared to know.

Also, the song he was singing contrasted very much from Ginny's voice.

"I wanna be there when you call  
I wanna catch you when you fall  
I wanna be the one you need  
I wanna be the one you breathe  
Today's the day we'll fade away, ohh  
Today's the day we'll fade away, ohh  
Today's the day we'll find our way grown  
Today's the day we'll find away, oh"

And now for the judge's comments:

--

"… That was weird. Your voice sounded EXACTLY like Shaun Morgan's, but it was weird to just watch Ginny sing in an extremely low and gravelly voice. I think Harry might be a little turned off by that." – Lockhart

"I love the guitar…… oh wait…." – Trelawney

"I'm rolling my eyes at you two. It's a great song, so I don't see why Harry wouldn't like it." – Moody

--

Contestant 4's face went red again. Before next episode he was DEFINITELY going to have a word with the costume lady.

"Up next we have Contestant number 5!" Dumbledore grinned (of course).

Viktor Krum pranced out onstage, waving and smiling at everyone like a mini-Dumbledore. Contestant 5 started singing in a low voice:

"Can you feel it crush you?  
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?  
There's no running away from  
These things that hold you down  
Do they complicate you  
Because they make you feel like this?  
Of all the colors that you shine  
Is it showing out your best?  
But you should know these colors that you're shining are…" Contestant 5 switched voices suddenly to a higher one, "Shutting out the place…. Colors that YOU" (the note caused Dumbledore to twitch) "shine… Shutting out the place….. Colors that YOU shine…."

"That's enough!" Dumbledore quickly cut Contestant 5 off.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Do you have a split personality or something? How is that supposed to work if you win and become Harry's snuggle buddy?" – Lockhart

"That high note was amazing…" – Trelawney

"Gilderoy, for your information, that song has two voices singing it, one lower pitched guy part, and another higher pitched guy part which in this case sings the chorus. So no, he doesn't have a split personality. You must have quite a lot of talent to be able to have that range." – Moody

--

"Excuse me…" Contestant 5 glared. "I'm a girl."

The audience and judges went silent. "She's a bass?!" Dumbledore exclaimed incredulously.

"Yes, I am," Contestant 5 huffed, then quickly changed dispositions back to her usual charismatic self, blowing kisses at the audience and prancing offstage.

Dumbledore recovered himself quickly, because all aspiring politicians tend to have that capability (not that Dumbledore was an aspiring politician). "Up next… Contestant number 6!"

Harry knew that it was all costumes from the movies, but he still could not help jumping as Rita Skeeter tripped over his heels and fell onstage. Apparently Contestant 6 was not used to heels. In fact, it looked as though if Contestant 6 were handed a pair of heels any bigger than the ones he already had on he would probably not be able to walk at all. Standing up would be the big issue.

It took a lot of generosity on his part (because the Rita Skeeter outfit was still scaring him), but Harry shyly offered Contestant 6 the other end of the couch. Contestant 6 took the seat gladly, and gave Harry a genuine smile. Harry couldn't help feeling warm inside. He began thinking back to Cedric before the first task of the Triwizard Cup, but immediately stopped himself because he had no wish to break into tears in front of the camera.

But Contestant 6's song was very enjoyable.

"You say yes, I say no  
You say stop, and I say go, go, go  
Oh, no  
You say goodbye, and I say hello  
Hello, hello  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello  
You say bye, I say hello  
You say why, and I say I don't know  
Oh, no  
You say goodbye, and I say hello  
Hello, hello  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello  
Hello, hello  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello"

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Cute." – Lockhart

"You're such a lovely person." – Trelawney

"What the other two are trying to say is that you were completely and totally bland." – Moody

--

Harry admired how Contestant 6, though flustered, kept himself together as he went offstage. Nobody else noticed Harry's flash of a smile.

"Let's take another commercial break," Harry said as he inwardly laughed at everybody catering to him.

Dumbledore wrung his hands. "But we aren't even halfway yet!"

"Do it," Harry glared.

Dumbledore sighed.

Cue commercial break.

* * *

A man sits down at a desk. 

"Good evening, I am Sir Crapinthrote III, and I am the owner of this network channel. I would like to apologize on behalf of the station for the previous commercial, of which product we shall not say the name of, out of fear for the powers which overthrew us to begin with. To make up for that inconvenience, we will personally entertain you ourselves." He clears his throat. "And now for something completely different."

The camera zooms in on a different scene, consisting of a sidewalk deserted of all save a man with a black suitcoat, briefcase, and hat. He grins. He nods his head. Then he begins dancing some sort of weird dance which involves putting his knees together, kicking his legs up high, and squatting down low.

Then a question arises: where is that strange music coming from? The camera turns to reveal a man in a suit with a tape recorder stuck up his nose. The song finishes with an applause track, and Sir Carpatad Jr. says, "Thank you. Now you may proceed with your show."

* * *

"And we're back!" Dumbledore grinned cheesily. He just kept getting better and better at it. "Contestant number 7, we welcome you to the stage!" 

Contestant 7 didn't come.

The Rent-A-Band guitarist with the fro began playing a guitar solo, and the spiky haired pianist/track mixer joined in with a flute voice on his keyboard.

Then the audience saw where Contestant 7 was. A silhouette appeared behind the set, where Contestant 7 was doing poses as if warming up for something. From the greasy longish hair, it looked like he was going to be a big rocker and it would be a big number.

Then the main music started and the back set rose. Severus Snape began rocking out to the music and dancing with his microphone.

"Now if I help you it matters that you see  
These sordid kind of things are coming hard to me  
It's taken me some time to work out what to do  
I weighed the whole thing out before I came to you  
I have no thought at all about my own reward  
I really didn't come here of my own accord  
Just don't say I'm…" Here Contestant 7 swung around a little bit to the guitar before the next lines. "Damned for all time." Here the audience joined in with his dance. It was so amusing to watch Snape dance. And Contestant 7 was happy that he could get away with this sort of thing in someone else's body. If he was actually him it would be so undignified.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"… um…" – Lockhart

"Well…" – Trelawney

"You're a man after my heart, you know that? You chose a song from MY generation! I LOVE that song! Okay, I don't know about Harry… to tell the truth… aw, never mind, you were great." – Moody

--

_Of course I know what you like, Moody. Of course I know how to please your kind,_ Contestant 7 thought with distain. "Oh yes, thank you," he said in a silky voice before disappearing offstage.

Contestant 8 didn't wait for Dumbledore to call her. She seemed driven by something.

"Harry, this is for you." Alicia called behind her before she began to sing:

"Everybody's talking but they don't say a thing  
They look at me with sad eyes, but I don't want the sympathy  
It's cool you didn't want me, sometimes you can't go back  
But why'd you have to go and make a mess like that?"

Contestant 8 looked behind her at Harry again before continuing:

"I just have to say before I let go  
Have you ever been low?  
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?  
When the truth came out  
Where you the last to know?  
Were you left out in the cold  
Cuz what you did was low?"

After that Harry didn't listen to the judges' comments. The only thought that occurred to him was, _She knows! How does she know about that?_ He couldn't possibly think of any of his friends who could possibly know about what happened between Cho and Cedric. It was one thing that had haunted him since he and Cedric began going out. Unless… no, the blackmailer… he'd sent the blackmailer money, how could he send the information out? Harry's feelings of guilt came back.

It never occurred to him that the identity of Contestant 8 was staring at him right in the face. It had nothing to do with blackmail.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"I'm sure ANYONE will love you after that rendition!" – Lockhart

"You're so pretty…" – Trelawney

"Okay, diva." – Moody

--

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Contestant 8 placed her hands on her hips defiantly.

Dumbledore pulled Contestant 8 backstage while announcing, "Contestant 9, the stage is yours!"

Contestant 9 rose up on a trapdoor below the stage. Madame Maxine had her back to her audience, booty shaking to the music. When the music picked up, Contestant 9 jumped around and pulled a Natalie (being of Charlie's Angels). He always wanted to do something like this, but people made fun of him so much that he was never able to. He sang:

"Fold your dollar bills  
And leave your thrills all here with me  
Speak but don't pretend  
I won't defend you anymore you see  
It aches with every bone  
I'm tied alone, but not for pleasure  
My eyes don't need to see the ugly thing  
I know it's me you feel"

"If you want me hold me back!" Contestant 9 sang, accompanied by new arm-whirling moves.

"That's enough!" Dumbledore smiled cheesily, willing himself not to take out his vaudeville hook and pull him off the stage.

Contestant 9 sagged. He was only just getting started.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Wow, you've just put it all out here, man! You looked like you were having fun! Maybe you could pull Harry out of his shell." – Lockhart

"You put me to shame." – Trelawney

"To put it lightly, you might be a little too much." – Moody

--

Contestant 9 was extremely surprised. Usually he was exactly the opposite.

"Up next, we'll see what Contestant 10 does… but first a word from our sponsor."

* * *

A woman sits on a recliner, deeply absorbed in a book called "Honestly Fake". 

She looks up. "Oh, hello!" she smiles. "I'm here to talk to you about all of the things our sponsor does not own and is not responsible for!"

The sponsor of this show does not own anything but books, CDs, and DVDs pertaining to Harry Potter, Linkin Park, The Beatles, American Idol, Staind, The Libertine, Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp, Little Miss Sunshine, Goo Goo Dolls, Chicago, Jewel, an accordion, Seether, Crossfade, Spaceballs, Monty Python, Jesus Christ Superstar, Kelly Clarkson, Charlie's Angels, Nirvana, 3 Doors Down, Clay Aiken, Kill Bill, Rent, Evita, Escaflowne (TV series), and The Exies.

"However, since we are sponsoring the show, we are proud to add the beat-up boombox. So enjoy!"

* * *

The audience was captivated by the stage, upon which was Narcissa Malfoy in grunge attire headbanging to the beginning chords on the guitar. Then Contestant 10 began singing/slurring, "Sell the kids for food. Weather changes moods." 

Apparently the first mic bored him, because he all of a sudden caught another mic in the air, backed up to avoid feedback, and sang more intensely, "Spring is here again, reproductive glands, ANNNNNNNNNNNNNND…" Contestant 10 sang/yelled before Dumbledore could stop him, then continued, "He's the one who likes all our pretty songs, and he likes to sing along, and he likes to shoot his gun, but he knows not what it means, DRUM INTERLUDE, knows not what it means, and I say yeah." He finished quickly instead of repeating the chorus because the audience was giving him mixed looks. A group of Nirvana fans cheered, oblivious of the look from a sullen man with long blonde hair sitting in the back row.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Dude, man, that just wasn't good at all!" – Lockhart

"I like spring." – Trelawney

"I think you did the song perfectly, but I don't think that you're right for this competition." – Moody

--

"Guys, you should seriously be careful!" Dumbledore waved his hands. Contestant 10 gave him a look, as did the rest of the audience. Dumbledore continued, "We hafta refrain from using sexual language, references, and demonstrations because our sponsor can't afford censors so we don't wanna get sued!"

"There's demonstrations?" Harry jumped. Contestant 10 shook his head mournfully. Harry sighed and laid his head back down.

The audience waited through three period punctuation marks before Dumbledore broke the silence and announced, "Contestant 11!"

Hermione sauntered out to the opening trumpet playing on the beat-up boombox (because this music was from the same source as Contestant 3's). Harry stared. It could have been just the lights, but her hair seemed to change colors every other measure of the song.

Then Contestant 11 belted:

"Ask any of the chickies in my pen  
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen  
I love them all and all of them love me  
Because the system works! The system calls reciprocity!"

Contestant 11 started shaking her boobs as the music started up while Harry stared. Back and forth… back and forth… "That's enough!" Dumbledore shouted nervously as he sensed the connotations. It disturbed him to see Hermione singing about sharing mutually and her being the "biggest hen".

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Well, I liked it." – Lockhart

"What a marvelous spectacle." – Trelawney

"On the contrary, I think it was completely off. And your hair is especially creepy." – Moody

--

Contestant 11 ran off, seething about the hair comment.

"Up next, Contestant 12!" Dumbledore hoped the style would be different. These last couple were just weird to him.

Peter Pettigrew brought out his own stool and acoustic guitar with him. Yes, the style for Contestant 12 was VERY different. He strummed a few chords and began singing in a light and clear tone:

"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away  
Now it looks as though they're here to stay  
Oh, I believe in yesterday  
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be  
There's a shadow hanging over me  
Oh, yesterday came suddenly  
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday"

Everyone in the studio was enticed by his voice. Whoever he was, he was obviously a very good singer. It sounded as though he had had a lot of time to practice, and that he used his singing voice a lot in whatever profession he had. Dumbledore wiped a crocodile tear from his eye as he pat Contestant 12 on the back to congratulate him.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"I changed my mind. You're obviously the absolute best out here tonight!" – Lockhart

"You're so beautiful… handsome, I mean…" – Trelawney

"Honestly, you seem like the most delightful one here in this competition. If you don't make it into the finals, I swear I'll… I'll… think of it later." – Moody

--

"And I suppose we hafta go to a commercial break now…" Dumbledore sighed.

Harry nodded happily.

Cue commercial break.

* * *

"And now an album you REALLY will regret not buying!" 

The camera films a girl with long brown hair, mascara, and a flowered skirt sitting on a wooden chair. The girl holds an acoustic guitar in her hands, and she plays and sings in a lilting yet strong voice.

"Wow, you're really good!" exclaims the announcer.

"I'm a Baron, what do you expect?" the girl laughs.

The cameraman nods in agreement, only to accidentally drop the camera and let the video go back.

* * *

"Now, after that pleasing interlude, let's welcome to the stage Contestant 13!" 

"Too late now," Contestant 13 muttered to himself as he hurried onstage as Parvati Patil. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't brush off the feeling that he would seriously regret entering this competition.

_On the other hand_, Contestant 13 thought, _in a year it won't matter, now, will it?_

He banged his head to the cool guitar intro then sang:

"They blazed the trail I dared to run  
They built this road and I have come  
I need another like a brother  
For a crying shoulder  
This could be the last time  
You will stand by my side  
And I can feel my soul, it's bleeding  
Will you fly with me this evening?"

Harry was scared. What atrocities had this contestant gone through to need a crying shoulder? And how did he know he was going to die so soon?

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"You were attractive out there at least." – Lockhart

"Yes, I would." – Trelawney

"I honestly think the best thing about that song was the guitar." – Moody

--

_If only they knew_, Contestant 13 sighed. Unlucky 13. He wished he hadn't gone online to read stories about himself.

"Now, we have Contestant 14!" Dumbledore announced. He was starting to have a rough time being creative about announcing people. _I can't wait until eliminations_, he thought.

Contestant 14 took the form of Vernon Dursley… only he had no facial hair and his hair took on a dorky spiky look (as opposed to cool). The Rent-A-Band groaned at the music that appeared in front of them.

"I vote we go on strike!" the bald bassist cried.

"Aw, come on!" Contestant 14 stomped his foot. "I like Clay Aiken!"

"Oh my god," Moody groaned as Harry, Trelawney, and Dumbledore all jumped with joy.

"He's soooooo dreamy!" Trelawney cried.

"I loooooove his invisible skills!" Harry grinned.

"I wish I had hair just like him!" Dumbledore's eyes went sparkly as he absent-mindedly tried to rub his long hair into dorky spikes.

"Am I the only sane person left in this world?" Moody hit his head on the table.

"Please play it!" Contestant 14 pleaded.

"Nuh-uh!" The band held their ground.

"Oh, please, spare us all!" Moody exclaimed as he hopped up from the table and personally escorted Contestant 14 off the stage.

Dumbledore pet his hair in sadness. "Contestant 15? I guess it's your turn…" he announced without enthusiasm.

Cornelius Fudge elegantly and gracefully glided out to the microphone. The keyboardist muttered as he set his keyboard so that half of it was organ and half of it was piano, and wondered if she was really going to try to pull this song off.

Try she did. She started in a high-pitched voice:

"My man got a heart like a rock that's in the sea  
My man got a heart like a rock that's in the sea"

There was a loud snore from the couch as she switched to a lower-pitched voice:

"Well no one told me about her  
The way she lied  
Well no one told me about her  
How many people cried"

She looked around at the audience, who were all snoozing. "Was the song too quiet for everyone?"

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Zzzzzzzz… wha? Huh? Oh! Wonderful, quite wonderful!" – Lockhart

"I personally stayed awake through the entire thing and I thought it was lovely." – Trelawney

"The song sounded weird coming from one person, and judging by the couch I think the subject wasn't paying attention. I wouldn't be surprised if you got eliminated." – Moody

--

Contestant 15's face fell. "But you said we had to sing our favorite song!"

"There, there…" Dumbledore led her offstage, grinning to everyone in the audience as he did so. "We'll go ahead and have a commercial break then."

"Izdezongofer?" Harry slurred as he stirred from the couch finally.

Cue commercial break.

* * *

A blad (as opposed to bald) man smiles at the camera. "Hello," he says, "I'm here to talk to you about O'Harmony. O'Harmony is the leading owl dating service in the world, and now you can be a part of the experience by joining for free today!" 

A woman appears sitting at a dining table. She catches an owl and reads aloud, "Winnie, I saw your profile on O'Harmony and I would like you to marry me. Oh!" she exclaims dramatically. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

The blad guy smiles again, "See how O'Harmony can change your life! Apply now to get your profile form owled to you today!"

* * *

"And now we have our last 3 contestants, beginning with… Contestant 16!" 

Charlie Weasley came out with another acoustic guitar. Harry sat up. He liked these guitar players, guitar players are so much more talented than lazy people who don't know how to play an instrument.

He strummed a couple of notes and then sang dramatically:

"Your eyes  
As we said our goodbyes  
Can't get them out of my mind  
And I find I can't hide  
From your eyes  
The ones that took me by surprise  
The magic came into my life  
When there's moonlight I see your eyes"

When Harry thought he could not get any more dramatic, the tall drummer started a slow beat in the background, and Contestant 16 closed his eyes and threw his head back for an extremely dramatic effect.

"How'd I let you slip away  
When I'm longing so to hold you?  
Now I'd die for one more day  
Cuz there's something I should've told you  
There's something I should've told you…"

Contestant 16 sighed dramatically, then softly sang, "When I looked into your eyes…" The audience cheered, giving the effect of a concert by some Idol contestant. Harry was enchanted.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"That was very romantic, man! Good going!" – Lockhart

"I can't see why anybody wouldn't fall in love with you on the spot." – Trelawney

"Welcome to the world of pop stardom. Beware of fangirls." – Moody

--

Contestant 16 was used to that kind of fawning. He was a star back in his days at Hogwarts.

"Next we have Contestant number 17!" Dumbledore announced, then motioned his arm towards where workmen were pushing in a huge piano for the keyboardist to play instead. Draco Malfoy was sitting on top, demurely smiling and waving at everyone. In her sparkly short dress, she looked like a 20s bar singer… with short blonde hair.

The keyboardist looked up at Contestant 17, shook his head… and then turned on the beat-up boombox instead.

Contestant 17 glared at the keyboardist for a moment, then turned to Harry with a seductive smile and began singing (in a sweet, high-pitched voice):

"It seems crazy, but you must believe  
There's nothing calculated, nothing planned  
Please forgive me if I seem naïve  
I would never want to force your hand  
But you really should know  
I'd be good for you"

Harry was scared. Draco Malfoy in a shimmering dress smiling seductively, sitting on a piano, and singing in a little-girl's voice was something out of a nightmare. Contestant 17 got off the piano and began shimmying towards Harry's couch, singing:

"I don't always rush in like this  
Twenty seconds after saying hello  
Telling strangers I'm too good to miss  
If I'm wrong I hope you tell me so  
But please understand  
I'd be good for you  
I'd be surprisingly good for you." Contestant 17 finished whilst stroking Harry's face. Harry's forehead beaded up.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"That was scary." – Lockhart

"I love the dress." – Trelawney

"Do we need to get you a fan up there now, Harry?" – Moody

--

Contestant 17 laughed. She was actually talking and singing like herself, but her disguise made her look and sound like a cross-dressing Dilandau. Not that she minded. Dilandau was a pretty cool villain.

"Finally! Our last contestant, Contestant 18!"

The Rent-A-Band was relieved that this song was not a boring slow song, and so the keyboardist (now strapping on his guitar), guitarist, and drummer were very obliged to play the catchy opening. Even the blonde lead singer, who had had nothing much to do the entire time, was nice enough to sing backup. Maybe it was only because the backup was so fun to sing.

The fact that Contestant 18's disguise was of Madame Maxine did nothing to kill the catchiness of the song. He began singing:

"Ohhhh, reckless and indiscrete  
I'm hypnotized beyond belief  
Listen to my battle song  
Cuz it's dissin' you all night long"

Harry cheered. Finally someone was not singing something with special meaning!

At least he hoped not.

Contestant 18 continued:

"New disasters at my feet  
Of abuse and things I can't repeat  
Desperate and givin' in  
I don't know where to begin  
It's hopeless, I'm cavin' in  
Hopeless"

The music paused, and Contestant 18 sighed, "I can't win." Then the music started up again, and now that the lyrics had gotten depressing it was insane how the background stayed so catchy and even happy.

Contestant 18 sang:

"I'm going out of my head  
I feel like I'm dead  
I'm feeling lo-fi  
I'll bottle up and explode  
My angels have flown  
Some things I can't hiiiii…yide…  
I'm feeling lo-fi!"

Contestant 18 grinned. The lyrics only seemed to apply to him once every month, but he still loved that song.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Looks as though you were… having… fun…" – Lockhart

"You were amazing." – Trelawney

"The song seems to contradict itself. What EXACTLY are you doing? Next week come in with a purpose." – Moody

--

"Well, I figured Harry would be sick of everything else," Contestant 18 shrugged.

The audience murmured agreement.

"Wow, that was a smart decision then," Dumbledore pat Contestant 18 on the back and grinned cheesily, looking directly into the camera, "but we'll hafta see who Harry picks now… after the break."

Cue commercial break.

* * *

A person lying in bed with his arms crossed pouts at the camera. A jingle starts in the background. 

"If you're feeling quite alone  
And turning cold and blue  
If you've got a lot of time  
And got nothing to do"

All of a sudden a Spongebob Squarepants action figure magically pops up on the guy's lap. His mouth drops open in surprise and awe.

"Spongebob Squarepants is there for you  
Spongebob Squarepants is there for you"

Then the scene switches a hand holding the action figure over a table. It demonstrates the possibilities.

"You can make its eyes pop out  
Or hit it on the head  
You can throw it at your wall  
To hear it laugh instead"

"SHUT UP!" the guy screams, throwing the action figure because it will not stop laughing.

A screen pops up with the logo, price, and ordering phone number.

"Spongebob Squarepants is there for you  
Spongebob Squarepants is there for you"

* * *

"Annnnd we're back, for the final moment of this episode!" Dumbledore announced, sounding slightly relieved. The contestants were all lined up on the stage, Harry standing upstage-left of them all. 

"I'm going to sort you guys into groups of four, but before I do that, I'm going to make this a divisible group." Harry walked in front of everybody with a microphone.

"Contestants 6 and 8!" he suddenly called out.

Dumbledore cut in, "Contestant 6, you sang "Hello, Goodbye", by The Beatles. Contestant 8, you sang "Low", by Kelly Clarkson."

"Both of you are safe." Harry smiled. Those two contestants had been on the very top of his best list.

Both contestants grinned and sat down stage-right. Harry turned to the rest. "Now…"

A couple minutes later, Harry had sorted all of them into groups of four on different parts of the stage.

Group number 1 consisted of Contestant 18, Contestant 1, Contestant 16, and Contestant 12.

"Contestant 18," Dumbledore went across to them, "you sang "Lo-Fi", by The Exies. Contestant 1, you sang "It's Been Awhile", by Staind. Contestant 16, you sang "Your Eyes", from the musical Rent. Contestant 12, you sang "Yesterday", by The Beatles."

"Guess what, you guys are all safe!" Harry announced.

And then they moved onto the next group, which consisted of Contestants 4, 2, 14, and 7.

Dumbledore moved across again. "Contestant 4, you sang "Fade Away", by Seether. Contestant 2, you sang "Iris", by the Goo Goo Dolls. Contestant 14, you _didn't_ sing "Invisible", by Clay Aiken. Contestant 7, you sang "Damned For All Time", from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar."

"I'm hurt by the boycott, so all of you guys are safe too," Harry glared at the Rent-A-Band.

Harry and Dumbledore moved onto the next group, Contestants 5, 3, 17, and 9. The other group began getting scared.

"Contestant 5, you sang "Colors", by Crossfade. Contestant 3, you sang "Razzle Dazzle", which was in the movie Chicago but actually came from a different Broadway show… I bet you didn't know that. Contestant 17, you sang "I'd Be Surprisingly Good For You", from the musical Evita. Contestant 9, you sang "Remedy", by Seether."

"You guys are safe tonight." Harry grinned.

"Which leaves us with this last group. You! Are! Our! BOTTOM FOUR!" Dumbledore boomed. The audience gasped. The four contestants jumped and began trembling (even though Contestant 10 NEVER trembles...).

Dumbledore stared down Contestant 10 as he announced, "Contestant 10, you sang "In Bloom", by Nirvana."

"Well, congratulations, you're safe." Harry shrugged, and Contestant 10 dashed off to the side in relief.

The remaining three looked up at Dumbledore, eyes emitting a plea of mercy. Dumbledore rolled his eyes and decided to give the results all in one. "Contestant 11, you sang "When You're Good To Mama", from the musical Chicago. Contestant 13, you sang "By My Side", by 3 Doors Down. Contestant 15, you sang "About Her", which is by… by…" Dumbledore looked up in disgust. "You didn't even know the artist??? Kill Bill doesn't count as a musical or an artist!" Contestant 15 cringed at the onslaught.

Harry looked at all of them. "Contestants 11 and 15, you guys are eliminated."

Cue dramatic music.

"Now show us who you are." Dumbledore went back to smiling the politicians' smile.

"What?!" yelped Contestant 11. The other contestants looked equally scared, because there was nothing in the sign-up sheet that said they had to reveal themselves.

"It was the stuff in 5-point font at the bottom," Contestant 1 whispered.

"Well?????" Dumbledore glared.

Contestant 11 reluctantly took off her frizzy brown-haired wig, and Contestant 15 looked both ways before removing her bald-cap.

Nymphadora Tonks (11) and Narcissa Malfoy (15) stood on the stage in the rest of their disguise apparel. Nobody was surprised about Tonks (because she liked doing these wild kinds of things), but Contestants 3 and 10 were shocked at Narcissa and Contestant 7 was going through a range from dark red to pale white in facial expressions.

Dumbledore smiled inwardly. He was going to get so popular with this show. Outragious scandals! Unfair eliminations! He wondered when he would begin his campaign.

Harry stared at the eliminated contestants. He wondered if all of the contestants were as crazy as these.

"Tune in for next week's episode of… WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE-BUDDY!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

Roll credits (to the song "Breed" by Nirvana).

----

Plushies to rekahneko for guessing from the first chapter both Narcissa AND Tonks... I thought she'd finished the chapter at first and then she came back and surprised herself.


	3. Second Episode

Before I start, I'd like to thank the play director and my acting teacher for giving me tonight off from hell week (the play opens tomorrow). I had this finished since last week, and I didn't think I'd be able to post it soon enough until he announced he wanted to have time to go trick-or-treating with his two sons tonight.

I won't try and make too many excuses for... not posting... but I will say one thing: if a park closes due to rain and stuff, and it is an hour before the park ought to close anyway, do NOT sit around and EXPECT people to cater to you when the park is NOT about to reopen and the workers are trying to clean up! That way the workers can go home and do other things! Like writing fanfic chapters!

But I have to admit, because of the long hours my parents did have me quit two weeks early, so eventually I did have time to write. And now that I'm back at school and moved in and I've noticed the chapters are gradually getting shorter I should DEFINATELY be posting more frequently in the future.

Happy Halloween!

--------------------------------

"Tonight, a task that will have everybody gasping. You are watching, 'WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE-BUDDY?'!" Dumbledore, who was tonight in a bright red suit with a huge flower, motioned across the stage to where Harry was lounging, again, on his couch.

The audience cheered as the Rent-A-Band played "She Loves You" (by The Beatles) to the opening credits.

----

Backstage, the contestants were extremely confused. Why hadn't anyone given them disguises to wear yet?

----

"ANNNNNNND, here come the judges!" You could tell Dumbledore was pepped for tonight. At least, the audience could tell. There seemed to be an energy hanging around that studio.

"Hold me, love me! It's GILDEROY LOCKHART!"

Lockhart smiled, waved, and winked at his biggest fans in the audience. The only difference between him and Dumbledore was that Lockhart was a bit of a ditz.

"What is life worth living for? SIBYL TRELAWNEY!"

"Actually…" Trelawney raised her hand, about to tell Dumbledore his own future before she wisely held herself back. She didn't want to put a damper on his political career just yet, only because it was so funny to watch.

"No, he's a pirate! He's MAD-EYE MOODY!"

"Arrrgh!" Moody groaned at the quote usage.

"Now, let's take a look at the contestants in the Rad Room!"

The contestants were nervous. Each thought that the costume lady had forgotten them, and therefore they were tricking everyone else by disguising as themselves. Not even the audience realized they were looking at the actual contestants.

"Hel-LO, contestants!" Harry simpered. "Today your challenge is going to be to perform an abridged reenaction of one of my favorite trilogies, THE LORD OF THE RINGS! But only the first book, just because the last episode was so long."

Silence.

The audience was puzzled. Wasn't this a Harry Potter fanfic?

"A challenge is a challenge!" Dumbledore grinned.

----

The contestants backstage groaned as they each individually received their roles. Surprisingly, most of the contestants had characters in Lord of the Rings who were exactly like them. However, there were a couple of major parts that some odd-one-out had to get…

----

"Commercial break?" Harry smiled sweetly.

Dumbledore rolled his eyes.

Cue commercial break.

-------------------------------------

"And now!" a voice booms, "the musical event you've all been waiting for!"

A piano intro starts up in the background. Lights fade in on a stage, where a woman in a yellow jumpsuit stands alone.

Words pop up, "KILL BILL: THE ROCK OPERA!"

The woman smiles a creepy smile.

"Featuring the Rent-A-Band from the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?'!"

A woman in curly hair kneels on the stage and sings her show-stopper, "So let mercy come and wash away…" she belts, "WHAT I'VE DONE!"

"Including the acting talents of Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda!"

A well-done elder man watches as the woman who was wearing a yellow jumpsuit before sings to him, "I used to be my own protection, but not now."

"You sure want to see it now, don't you? Call your local theatre and ask for more details on when the tickets come out, because release locations may vary."

-------------------------------------

The audience gasped. The entire set had been transformed into a collage of grassy areas, forests, mountains, and citadels.

"Now, we'll have the contestants come up onstage and introduce themselves." Dumbledore pointed (with his full hand) as they filed onstage. "This is to prevent confusion for anybody keeping track of our show."

Contestant 1: Merry

Contestant 2: Elrond

Contestant 3: Legolas

Contestant 4: Sam

Contestant 5: Galadriel

Contestant 6: Pippin

Contestant 7: All of the Evil Creatures

Contestant 8: Frodo

Contestant 9: Saruman

Contestant 10: Gimli

Contestant 12: Faramir

Contestant 13: Boromir

Contestant 14: Sauron (because Sauron also likes Clay Aiken)

Contestant 16: Aragorn

Contestant 17: Arwen

Contestant 18: Gandalf

"Can we start already?" whined Harry from his languid position lying on the judges' table.

The contestants ran offstage and the lights went down on all except the grassy area. Only Frodo remained, peacefully reading his book under a stately tree. Peaceful in a pretty way, of course, being that it's Contestant 8.

"The road goes EH-ver on AND on! Down from the road where it… Oh, hello, Frodo!" Gandalf called out in a gruff voice. It sounded as though Contestant 18 (Gandalf) had had a lot of practice with that.

All of a sudden, a trio of hobbits popped out of the bushes behind, making Contestant 8 (Frodo) jump.

"Hello!" Pippin smiled with a light voice.

"Hello!" Merry cried with a high-pitched but slightly deeper voice.

"Hello!" Sam waved with a voice that sounded as though it had long changed through puberty.

"Okay, boys, I have a little task for you!" Gandalf dropped his voice.

They whispered to each other for a while, until Harry coughed loudly out of boredom.

"Off you go!" Contestant 18 (Gandalf) pushed them away with a slap to their backs. After the hobbits waddled off, Gandalf looked up and held up a sign that read, "Lots of time later."

The hobbits waddled back onstage looking tired and beat up. Their clothing was all torn up to make up for the fact that the show could not afford censors for nudity, let alone the fact that two of the hobbits had boobage to account for.

"Look!" Contestant 6 (Pippin) cried. The Rent-A-Band played a dramatic interlude as he pointed.

"Bree!" Pippin sighed.

"Bree!" Merry sighed.

"Bree!" Frodo exclaimed.

"Oh, let's not ruin Monty Python for this," Sam muttered. Sadly, Contestant 4 (Sam) was not a fan of the trilogy. He felt Sam was not given enough credit for getting Frodo's as-butt out of his "Bag End".

"AHEM!" Dumbledore cried.

---------------------------------------

We here at the TV station are sorry, the show has come to a temporary halt because our sponsor is laughing her head off and can't stop.

In the meantime, our executive producers will waltz with the show's judges as a publicity stunt for our master and leader, Alb-… never mind, we are coming back to the show!

---------------------------------------

The audience gasped at the sudden set change. Aragorn slammed Frodo into the wall of an inn and cried, "Why are you being a naughty boy?"

The hobbits ran into the room and were stilled into shock by the handsome-yet-scruffiness of Contestant 16 (Aragorn). "Isn't anyone going to help me?" Contestant 8 (Frodo) wailed.

Aragorn threw Frodo back dramatically. "No! Nothing can help you now!" he dramatically cried as he snuffed out all of the candles that suddenly appeared in the room.

"Huh?" Merry's utterment of confusion caught the ears of all in the room, and silence reigned. From somewhere offstage, a group of voices was heard to shriek, "The ring! The ring! Is a very important thing!"

"Oh no, the Ringwraiths! We need to get out of here!" exclaimed Aragorn.

Sam raised his hand, "Wait a second, how do you know about the One Ring? Not even the audience has heard about it yet."

"This is an abridged reenactment! We don't have the hours to explain! Let's go! You're bringing the team down!" Contestant 16 (Aragorn) was a Quidditch captain in his days at Hogwarts, so he knew about these kinds of things.

A spotlight shone in a corner on a poor guy in a big costume in the shape of an eye. Sauron added (in a thick mainland-European accent), "Just so you guys know, it was all his," pointing at Aragorn, "father's father's father's father's… whatever… fault. And don't judge me because I only have one eye, one finger, and nothing else! My soaring vision can pierce your mind and snare your soul, pleasure that you can't control…"

Sauron paused… then burst into song, "IF I WAS INVISIBLE!"

Simultaneously, his microphone and spotlight crackled out, and there was much rejoicing.

"Some time later," Dumbledore intoned.

Blue lights on stage. Shadows bumped and bustled, however the lighting was such that you could not see their forms, let alone their faces. The only audible noises were furtive "but"s and whispered "shh"s.

"I wanna know why Sauron's blaming Aragorn." Lockhart whined. Sadly, he was deprived of both movies and books, having been too busy memory-charming his way to fame and recuperating in St. Mungo's.

"Shh!"

"But…"

Suddenly, a sort of siren wail began again, sounding as though it was saying, "The Ring! The Ring! Is a very important thing!"

"Wait! Hold it!" Harry cried from his couch. The wailing died down instantly.

"What now?! It's too soon for a commercial break!" Dumbledore snapped, before remembering himself and smiling at the audience.

"Frodo can't get stabbed yet!"

"Why can't I get stabbed yet?" Contestant 8 broke out of the blue light to stare at Harry.

"Because before anyone gets stabbed through their chest, Elizabeth Swann has to kiss them!" Harry exclaimed.

The audience pondered this.

"By George, he's right. Everyone kissed by Elizabeth Swann ALWAYS soon after gets stabbed through the chest." Mad-Eye Moody muttered.

"Get someone in costume!" Dumbledore cried.

"BUT I DON'T WANNA GET KISSED BY A G… oh." Contestant 8 (Frodo) slumped. Sibyl Trelawney grinned maniacally then scuttled off to remove her suddenly-thrown-together 17th century attire.

"You may continue!" Harry lay back across his seat.

Frodo nodded and clutched at her breast as if in pain before collapsing on her back.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Contestant 4 (Sam) screamed, a little too theatrically, as he ran to her side. "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!"

"Ummmm…" Aragorn shuffled back.

"LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!"

"This is abridged, Sam," Merry whispered.

"Ha! That's the very same reason why people like YOU don't let me have these moments anymore! Don't you smart-aleck me!" Contestant 4 (Sam) smacked Contestant 1 (Merry).

Contestant 8 (Frodo) groaned, "I need a hero…"

"Looking for someone?"

All of the contestants turned, expecting a little girl in pigtails and a pink skirt to have wandered on the set. Instead, they saw a little girl who was wearing a set of robes and skirts that were obviously made for someone who'd already undergone puberty (and very much so too). The book readers rolled their eyes as all of the movie-goers in the audience nodded their heads and sat forward, waiting for an intense horse chase.

"That wasn't in the book!" one irate fan muttered.

Aragorn finally caught his cue at this point and realized who Contestant 17 was supposed to be. "Ah, milady Arwen, perhaps your father could help us."

Arwen paused, nodded slowly, then snapped her fingers. A spotlight was turned towards her head. "You know, it wasn't always this way," she told the audience, coming off much like Imelda Stauton in a pink sweater, skirt, and pillbox hat addressing a certain similar group in one of her more recent movies. "Once Aragorn and I were… well…" Arwen snapped her fingers again to turn the spotlight off, then turned to Aragorn, "The day we met, do you remember?"

Aragorn adopted the facial expression of having been smacked with a herring in the face several times while listening to "In The End" on fast forward. "How could I forget, Miss Swann?" he dribbled.

Contestant 17 frowned. "Sweetie, my name isn't Miss Swann."

"Huh? OH! Yeah, I knew that! I stayed with you and Elrond at Rivendell!"

"It was really very romantic…" And just because, like the rest of the world, the Rent-A-Band enjoyed a good laugh and joke, they struck up an extremely familiar guitar intro.

"Do I know this song?" Contestant 8 (Frodo) wondered.

She knew soon enough.

"Summer lovin' had me a blast," Contestant 16 (Aragorn) jumped up and sang.

"Summer lovin' happened so fast," Contestant 17 (Arwen) sang, her voice creepily sounding like Olivia Newton-John's from the movie.

"I met a girl, crazy for me," Aragorn drawled, obviously towards Arwen. The hobbits took their cue and went towards their genders' side (their own genders, not the ones of their charactors).

Arwen took the motion and continued it back, singing, "Met a boy, cute as can be."

Suddenly, Frodo, Arwen, and Merry grew poodle skirts, and Aragorn, Sam, and Pippin sprouted greased hair and leatherwear. The lights sprang into colors of pink, white, and hints of orange.

"This wasn't in the movie," muttered the irate fan's friend. All of the movie-goers in the audience silently agreed.

Harry sat up and clapped. He seemed to remember watching this somewhere, so maybe this was in the movie and he just fell asleep.

"What the hell are you guys doing?!" cried the lead singer, who apparently had slipped off to the bathroom for a quick pee.

"What's the matter? Weren't you ever a big fan of Grease?" the lead guitarist grinned.

"Well, yes, but still, I always hated this song, so STOP PLAYING!"

The rest of the Rent-A-Band sighed as they let their music grind to a halt. The orange, pink, and white hues faded back into blue, and the contestants backstage mourned not having the chance to run out onstage and sing along.

Back in her bust-heavy robes, Contestant 17 sighed. "I suppose we better get along to my father's place so we can get him all healed up and then explain a couple of things."

The Ringwraiths took their cue and wailed, "The Ring! The Ring! Is a very important thing!"

"Oh, shut up!" Arwen rolled her eyes. She waved her hand and muttered in Elvish, then all that was heard backstage was a scream and a sound like a toilet flushing.

"Thank God, they were getting on my nerves too!" Harry grinned.

The lights blacked out. "Some time later." Dumbledore intoned.

Brown and white lights shone on the stage as all of the contestants sat onstage in extras costumes. Elrond (Contestant 2 with magically enhanced eyebrows that could rotate 90 degrees at a moments notice, in honor of Hugo Weaving) presided at the opening of the circle.

"Gentlemen and ladies," Contestant 2 began, "we need to do something about this Ring."

An Elvish hand was raised. "Yes, Legolas?" Elrond wiggled her eyebrows.

Legolas stood up, making sure that his hair got the maximum wind it needed to billow at just the right rate to not act like a sail and blow him away. "But Elrond," drawled Contestant 3, "when are you all EVER going to explain about the Ring? You know my servants can't read these things to me, they're too idiotic."

Elrond nodded wisely, "What a good point."

"Yes, I should have my father teach my servants how to read."

"No, we need to have a flashback sequence!" Contestant 2 (Elrond) stood up and walked to the side of the stage. "HEY! GUYS! WE NEED A FLASHBACK SEQUENCE! WHERE'S OUR GALADRIEL?"

"I'm here, I'm here," Contestant 5 muttered as she tiptoed onstage in her nice white shoes.

"Here's some music for you," whispered Elrond as she handed off a box.

"Are you guys ready?" the keyboardist cried.

"Yes!"

"Good! Now I present the Flashback Irish Drinking Song…" He played a chord, and four spotlights shone down on Contestant 5 (Galadriel), Contestant 18 (Gandalf), Contestant 2 (Elrond), and Contestant 14 (Sauron).

"Ohhhhhhhh, ei-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"

"I have this Ring of Power," Galadriel sang.

"I have one just like her," Gandalf added.

Most unoriginally, Elrond followed, "I also have one like it."

"And more I did confer," Sauron summarized.

"But Sauron was so jealous," Galadriel sighed.

"His army sure was prone," Gandalf shrugged.

"He tricked us silly elfies," Contestant 2 (Elrond) sang, unaware that "elfies" was not the plural of "elf".

"And so I made my own," Sauron grinned.

"Oh, ei-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"

"He tried to take our lands," Gandalf sang.

"He tried to take our woods," Elrond unoriginally added… again.

"My soldiers raped and pillaged," Sauron warbled.

"And plundered all our…" Contestant 5 (Galadriel) paused; then she screamed, "EWWWW! ORC BABIES!"

"But there was one human king," Gandalf's eyes shone, having faith in men as always.

"He wasn't all that great," Elrond glared.

"He cut the Ring right off my arm," Sauron winced.

"And left Sauron his fate," Galadriel finished.

"Oh, ei-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"

"I told him to destroy it," Contestant 2's (Elrond) cheeks went red with annoyance.

"Too bad, the king had greed," Sauron laughed.

"So orcs attacked him for it," Galadriel continued.

"And left him there to bleed," Gandalf shook his head.

Contestant 2 (Elrond) crossed her arms and sang, "He should have listened to me."

"Cause now I'm still alive," Sauron waved his arms happily.

"The Ring was found by hobbits," chirped Contestant 5 (Galadriel).

"And so it still survives," Gandalf bowed his head.

"Oh, ei-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"

"So now I have no power," Sauron snapped his fingers with regret.

Galadriel shook her finger at the circle in warning, "But he can take it back."

"Just let him get his One Ring," warned Contestant 18 (Gandalf).

"And then he'll come attack," Elrond sang as she pointed at Sauron.

"But I could still be killed," Sauron shuddered.

"And we could still be free," Galadriel smiled.

"If we could just destroy it," Gandalf swept his arms towards Frodo's hands.

"By the end of Book 3!" Elrond sighed in relief at coming up with a rhyme.

"Oh, ei-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di! Oh, ei-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiiiiiiii-dee-diiiiiiiii-dee-DIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" The quartet struck a pose as the audience cheered.

"I feel so much more educated," Lockhart yawned.

The Council fell silent.

"Sooooo… this… Ring of Power…" Contestant 13 (as Boromir) thought out loud, "couldn't you just give it to ME, I mean, us, and let ME, I mean, us use its power against Sauron?"

"Are you deaf? Have you heard nothing that has just been sung? The Ring must be destroyed!" Legolas cried.

"Oh, and like you could do it yourself," Gimli (Contestant 10) the dwarf thuggishly glared.

"Who says I can't?" Legolas humphed.

"OH MY GOD! YOUR HAIR!" Gimli suddenly yelled.

"OH MY GAWSH! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?" Contestant 3 yelped and pat the top of his head to make sure it was still there.

"See what I mean?" Gimli laughed.

"Now, now, we can't have this elf-dwarf rivalry breaking out all over here." Contestant 2 (Elrond) groaned.

"Which is why the men should use it!" Boromir posed.

"Which is a very stupid idea." Aragorn glared.

"Like you're one to talk. Wasn't that king your father's father's father's father's father's father's…"

"I get it! And yes!" scowled Aragorn.

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" Contestant 18 (Gandalf) barked.

Everyone fell silent.

"Seems to me like I'm the only one here sane enough to do this." Frodo rolled her eyes.

A spotlight shone on the other side of the stage, revealing a sniggering Sauron. "Not for long, you sucker!" he giggled. "Because…" A microphone dropped into his hand, and he sang, "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive…"

"EWWWWWWWWW!" cried Moody, before blasting Contestant 14's microphone and shorting it beyond use.

"Hey, it wasn't Clay!" Sauron pleaded. Sadly (though not really), the spotlight fell on him and there was much rejoicing.

"And so a fellowship was formed," Dumbledore voice-overed. "Frodo the Ringbearer was joined by his friends Sam, Merry, and Pippin, the humans Boromir and Aragorn, the elf Legolas, and the dwarf Gimli. What a fun time. And now, if you will excuse us, we will now have a word from our sponsor."

"YES!" cheered Harry.

------------------------------------------------

A woman sits on a recliner, scanning the index of _The Silmarillion_.

"Oh, hello there! Back already? I'm here to talk about all of the things our sponsor doesn't own and isn't responsible for!

The sponsor of this show doesn't own anything but CDs, DVDs, and books pertaining to _Harry Potter_, Linkin Park, The Beatles, Terry Pratchett, _Pirates of the Caribbean_, J.R.R. Tolkien, _Kill Bill_, Clay Aiken, Monty Python, _Grease_, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", Carrie Underwood, Potter Puppet Pals, _Wedding Crashers_, _Sound of Music_, _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_, _Once More With Feeling_ (also known as the musical episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), Jaded Natsumi's (a.k.a. Jayded's) random sayings, "American Idol", "Spongebob Squarepants", and Alter Bridge.

"Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the show!"

------------------------------------------------

The episode continued without going to the host, much to Dumbledore's indignation. In the center of the stage, a man with greasy hair and long white robes rubbed his hands together and squinted under the bright light. "I am Saruman, the wizard master," Contestant 9 intoned in a nasal tenor reminiscent of Potter Puppet Pals. "Despite the numerous times I have helped him, Gandalf refuses me on my quest to join Sauron. Now that they are trying to get to Mordor through the outskirts of MY territory, let's see what I can do to hinder their crossing." He laughed maniacally as the lights faded on him.

On a different part of the stage, the nine members of the fellowship struggled through increasing piles of corn starch falling from the grid above (Harry was seated too far back to be covered).

"Oh my, this snow, it's sooooo cold," Contestant 1 (Merry) cuddled close to Contestant 13 (Boromir). Contestant 13 grinned and pulled a Will Farrell at a funeral, by winking at on-looking Gandalf and doing some pumping with his free arm. Contestant 18 (Gandalf) rolled his eyes.

Contestant 4's (Legolas) hair tingled.

"Legolas! What does your hair disturb?" Aragorn cried.

"There is an ill voice on the air…" Legolas murmered.

Soft orchestration that had been there all along crescendoed (as the Rent-A-Band lifted the muting on the turntable), and a light shone on a platform above the stage that was supposed to be the "peak" of the mountain they were climbing.

"DUCK!" screamed Contestant 18 (Gandalf) as Saruman jumped and kicked over the first of a couple of piles of corn starch in his dancing.

"What is this devilry that I am hearing?" Gimli clutched his oversized ears. "It's… too… happy…"

"High on the hill was a lonely goatherd  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-lay__-HEE-HOO  
_Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-loo_"

"Oh no!" gasped Frodo.

"WHAT IS THIS STUPID MUSIC?!" Gimli screamed at her.

"Folks in a town that was quite remote heard  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-lay-HEE-HOO  
_Lusty and clear from the goatherd's throat heard  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-loo_"

"Saruman! He is using the Lore of Rojersand Hamerstine!" Gandalf put his fingers in his ears and immediately began to chant some counter-lore, the Lore of Enjruloid Webre. ("It was _red_ and _yellow_ and _green_ and _brown_ and _scarlet_ and _black_ and…")

"_O-ho-lay-ee-o-de-lay-o  
__O-ho-lay-ee-o-de-lay_"

("… _ochre _and _peach_ and _ruby_ and _olive_ and _violet_ and _fawn_…")

"IT'S NOT WORKING!" Gimli screamed hysterically (for even thugs are no match for the Lore of Rojersand Hamerstine) as another avalanche of corn starch flakes fell with a "whoomph" on him.

"THE SOUND OF MUSIC WILL BE DEATH TO THE HOBBITS! WE MUST TURN BACK!" Boromir screamed.

"_O-ho-lay-ee-o-de-lay-o  
__Lay-ee-o-de-lay-o-lay_!"

("… LET FRODO DECIDE, I'M BUSY! … and _cream _and _crimson_ and _silver_ and_ rose_…")

"I don't know! This music is distracting!" Contestant 8 sobbed.

"It's about to get worse, I think…" Pippin shook with fear.

"One little girl in a pale pink coat heard  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-lay-HEE-HOO  
_She yodelled back to the lonely goatherd  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-loo_."

("… and _azure_ and _lemon_ and _russet_ and _grey_…")

"Why don't we go to my cousin's in Moria?" Gimli moaned.

"Idiot, we didn't cast anyone as a Balrog!" Legolas shrieked. His hair at this point was flying around as if each individual strand was a line on a seismograph of a bad earthquake.

"We could go to Minas Tirith…" Boromir started.

"… so you can bring the Ring to your dad and make sure that I die so I can't reclaim my throne? Not a chance." Aragorn scoffed.

"Guys?!" Frodo whinned, putting extra emphasis on the "y".

"Soon her Mama with a gleaming gloat heard  
_Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-lay-HMM-HMM  
_What a duet for a girl and goatherd  
Lay-ee-o-de-lay-ee-o-de-loo"

"Hmm?" Legolas's hair stiffened. "Guys, I think something bad's about to happen! Hurry up with the deciding!"

"… and _purple _and _white_ and _pink_ and _orange_ and _blue_… oh shoot… GUYS, I RAN OUT OF COLORS!" Gandalf panicked.

Silence struck like a tall person drawing in a large amount of breath. Or was it two people?

"He has gained his full powers…" Legolas trembled.

"Gentlemen, this battle is beyond any of you…" Gandalf set his gaze at the peak.

"Oh, no, we're modifying the storyline now, aren't we?" Moody groaned.

"Look at it this way, hasn't the storyline been changed a lot already? A little more change won't hurt…" Dumbledore grinned at the audience, as hardcore fans plotted their rebellion.

For a second, the inhaling stopped.

"Now what?" Sam jumped.

Gandalf nodded to himself, adjusted his hat (as if in a Western), and screeched, "_Yo-de-lay-AAAAAAAAAAY_!"

Unfortunately, Saruman was able to match the pitch and intensity of the notes, "_Yo-de-lay-EEEEEEEEEEEE_!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the fellowship screamed in pain as more corn starch fell.

"What's happening to Gandalf?!" Aragorn cried.

Steam rose as Gandalf began shaking impossibly with the notes.

"The energy! It's consuming him!" Legolas yelped.

"FLY YOU FOOLS!" shrieked Gandalf in a helium-inspired voice, just before spontaneously combusting on the stage.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Frodo.

"_Yo-de-lay-HEE-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_!" screeched Saruman. Mounds and mounds of corn starch dropped like boulders.

"It's all over…" gasped Merry, before dramatically losing consciousness (because why would Contestant 1 swoon?).

But another voice shone in the darkness of stage-left: "_YO-DE-LAY-EE-O-DE-LAY-EE-O-DE-LAY!_"

"No!" Saruman cried.

And all went black.

It would have been so much more dramatic had it not been for the loud coughing from stage-left.

"Can we just finish this? I'm bored and I just want to eliminate someone already." Harry groaned.

Immediately the lights came up on a still-blundering Fellowship and a wheezing Galadriel.

"Rough night, milady?" Boromir quipped, while doing more Will Farrell arm-motions.

"Basses are not supposed to be able to hit those notes." Contestant 5 (Galadriel) gasped. "This is why I've never sung before and why I'm not planning on ever singing again!"

"Aw, c'mon, it wasn't that bad, was it?" Contestant 8 (Frodo) reached over to pat Galadriel's back.

She shrieked as she flew backwards from Galadriel's gaze. "SHUT UP AND JUST GIVE ME THAT RING!" Galadriel yelled (though her voice was cracking).

"Now, now…" Aragorn threw his body in between.

"Seriously, you only need the Ring because Sauron's somehow taking over your mind for the moment. As for ME," Boromir growled as he shoved Aragorn aside, "I need the Ring so that my father can defeat Sauron… and other places besides…"

"What are you guys doing? You're supposed to be helping me!" Frodo wailed.

"What's that sound?" Legolas whined, his hair on edge again.

Everyone stopped and listened.

"You had Orcs on your tail!" Galadriel growled.

"But they hadn't shown up in this reenactment yet!" Aragorn cried as Galadriel ran.

"Oh, we're in big cra-crud now…" Gimli rolled his eyes.

"Well, now, if you give me the Ring…" Boromir shifted his eyes to Contestant 8's (Frodo) hand.

"Frodo, run!" Aragorn yelled.

"Hey, wait, don't leave me behind!" Sam yelled as the two of them departed.

"Heeeeeeelp!" Merry and Pippin cried as they were carried offstage by a contestant (7) dressed up as a Nameless Orc.

"I didn't ask for this job," he paused and silkily complained to the audience before continuing offstage.

"Hey! You! Nameless Orc! I wasn't finished with those hobbits!" called Contestant 13 (Boromir).

"Filthy Blood-traitor!" Contestant 7 (Nameless Orc) muttered as he shot Boromir with three toilet-plunger arrows.

"NUUUUUUU!" the movie-goers screamed as Boromir died a very dramatic death.

"That didn't happen until _The Two Towers_," the book-lovers muttered.

"Well, the way Peter Jackson did it, there was a major cliffhanger," argued the movie-lovers.

"Well, the way J.R.R. Tolkien did it… well… it ended with the whiny hobbit. Okay, you win."

"Ladies and gentlemen, now for the judges' comments!" Dumbledore announced with a grin, happy to actually be doing something.

"Comments?! On that long thing?!" Harry groaned.

And now for the judges' comments:

--

"Contestant 1, your turn as Merry was adorable. You two seem to have a lot of personality in common, except your intelligence kept you from truly capturing the hobbit's soul. I don't think Harry would care, though," – Lockhart

"Contestant 2, Elrond's eyebrows were outstanding. What that has to do with you, I have no idea. You were lovely," – Trelawney

"Contestant 3, you and Legolas were practically one and the same. You continue to capture everyone's heart; the mystery is whether people like you because of your personality or because of your blonde hair," – Moody

"Contestant 4, the thing that captivated me most about your role as Sam was your passionate plea for more time in our movies. It pains me to tell you that unless the directors talk about Quidditch or puberty more you will probably have to get used to the idea of just standing on the sidelines," – Lockhart

"Contestant 5, your singing voice as Galadriel was beautiful," – Trelawney

"Contestant 6, you were cast as Pippin for a reason; it is because your faults make you look adorable to guys and girls alike, and Harry seems to like you for it," – Moody

"Contestant 7, you looked like you were not enjoying yourself at all as the random evil creatures… and for once, I don't blame you, but seriously, you do well on the side roles then you'll be ready once the big roles start heading your way," – Lockhart

"Contestant 8, that was a big step to cast you as Frodo, and I am happy to say that you were wonderful," – Trelawney

"Contestant 9, that yodeling as Saruman looked out of your comfort zone, but you handled it well. Do you act out like that in real life too? It doesn't seem like something you're used to," – Moody

"Contestant 10, Gimli suited you well," – Lockhart

"Contestant 12, your invisible prescence as Faramir was amazing," – Trelawney

--

"Hold up, there was supposed to be a Faramir?" Harry cried. "I was wondering where he went, he was one of my favorite charactors…"

"… who wasn't in the first book," Dumbledore finished with a grin.

"But why'd you cast him that way then?" Harry complained.

"Never question the motives of the author… who is under my command," Dumbledore glared, then smiled reassuringly at the audience.

Harry turned to the camera. "You bum," he told the author.

And now for more judges' comments:

--

"Contestant 13, you made Boromir into someone very sensual, almost too much so for the censors. I mean, those arm motions? What is Harry supposed to think, that that's what you want to do every night? Don't answer that," – Moody

"Contestant 14, you know I love your music and so does Harry. Don't let everyone else get you down about that. Next time someone tries to stop you from singing Clay Aiken just keep going," – Lockhart

"Contestant 16, you were hot as Aragorn," – Trelawney

"Contestant 17, if you were going to go bust-heavy as Arwen tell the costume people to at least shorten your robes. Tonight they almost made you look... frumpy," – Moody

"Contestant 18, sadly, you fit the role of Gandalf, but in a very bad and boring way," – Lockhart

--

"Now can I eliminate someone?" Harry begged.

"No, no, no, the audience has to wait until… 'after the break'… for the results," Dumbledore laughed.

Cue commercial break.

--------------------------------------

An old woman sits in a rocking chair, her grey hair falling out of her pinned-back bun and her knitting askew and neglected. "Please," she pleads, "come home, darling. There are cookies in the oven, juices in the fridge, and logs in the fireplace. I need you here with me… to darn my socks, to make my beds, and to brighten my days. I cannot work the VCR and DVD players without you, and my world is just not the same without you either. Spongebob Squarepants, please come home."

An almost evil-sounding laugh resounds from the Spongebob doll as the jingle finishes, "Spongebob Squarepants is there for you!"

--------------------------------------

"And we're back for the results!" Dumbledore grinned, that action he did best. "Once again, Harry has split them up into groups of four, and will now go to each group to tell them who is continuing on. Two people will be eliminated tonight, so let's get to it!"

"Group one contains Contestant 3, Contestant 14, Contestant 12, and Contestant 16." Harry listed off.

"Contestant 3 was Legolas, Contestant 14 was Sauron, Contestant 12 was Faramir, and Contestant 16 was Aragorn." Dumbledore added.

"You guys are all my top four, so you're all safe," Harry waved before moving on to the next group, which contained… "Contestant 5, Contestant 7, Contestant 10, and Contestant 2."

"Contestant 5 was Galadriel, Contestant 7 was all of the evil creatures and most notably Nameless Orc, Contestant 10 was Gimli, and Contestant 2 was Elrond."

"Dunno why, but you guys are all safe too," Harry shrugged as the four went to go sit down. "Group three contains Contestant 8, Contestant 17, Contestant 1, and Contestant 9."

"Contestant 8 was Frodo, Contestant 17 was Arwen, Contestant 1 was Merry, and Contestant 9 was Saruman." Dumbledore supplemented.

"… You know what, forget you guys, it's the LAST group that's the BOTTOM FOUR!" Harry pointed at group four.

"Hey, that's my line!" Dumbledore pouted. He stifled his indignity and instead said, "Our bottom four includes Contestant 4 (as Sam), Contestant 6 (as Pippin), Contestant 13 (as Boromir), and Contestant 18 (as Gandalf)."

Harry thought for a moment, then told the contestants, "You seemed to be flirting with each other a lot, so without saving anyone else I'm going to have to just eliminate Contestants 13 and 18!"

The Rent-A-Band played game over music as the two contestants gazed guiltily at each other.

"Well?" Dumbledore prodded one of them. "Show us who you are!"

With a sigh, Sirius Black (13) and Remus Lupin (18) took off their fake facial hair and wigs and looked at each other.

"Oh, Lupie, you didn't do this because of that fight we had the other night, did you?" Sirius softly fingered Lupin's natural hair.

"But you were so angry at me… I thought we were through…" Lupin hung his head.

"But… Lupie… I still love you, you know,"

"Really?"

"Yeah." The two embraced and kissed onstage, with the audience crying and applauding in the background.

"Awww, what a happy ending… well, folks, tune in to our top 14 next week for our next adventure-filled episode of WHO WANTS TO BE A SNUGGLE BUDDY!"

Roll credits (to the song "The End Is Here" by Alter Bridge).

-----------------------------------------

For the Record: Personally, I always liked _The Silmarillion_ better because it read more like a storybook... I could read a chapter every night and not get bored of it. Also, it summarizes the whole of the Lord of the Rings trilogy in about three pages. However, I was recently very insulted when I picked up the recent _Children of Hurin_ and read the introduction, because it says that most people think _The Silmarillion_ is a mystical and untouchable book of lore. Not so! I found my copy in a bookstore, and before that I had it checked out of my library. Just because it was the Lord of the Rings trilogy that got made into movies does not mean that people should limit themselves to just that; they miss out on a lot of good storytelling.

Anyway, personalized hankies to Rekahneko, Williams, and Jayded/Suna for guessing correctly on Contestants 13 and 18! If you review and guess correctly too, then at the end of the chapter that the contestant gets knocked out on you'll get a prize! And I'm considering a grand prize for guessing the winner, because since I pick who gets eliminated on a chapterly basis I don't even know who the winner is going to be.


	4. Episode 3: Pokemon Special!

Believe it or not, I'm not dead! Here's another chapter... may all of your childhood dreams come back to life again XD.

* * *

"Ahem," Dumbledore straightened his lovely lavender leather lounge-jacket of lecherous alliteration. "Tonight, we make all of your childhood dreams come true… along with a spray of mint! This is… 'WHO WANTS TO BE HARRY'S SNUGGLE-BUDDY?'!" 

The bigger-than-ever audience applauded as the Rent-A-Band played "Ugly" (by The Exies) to the tune of the opening credits.

----

"Is the Tawp 14 ready this week?" queried the red curly-haired costume lady as she limp-wristed her way through the throng of contestants gathering. "Come AWN now! I want you awll looking FABULOUS fowa yowa next advenchowa!"

----

"And now I give you, THE JUDGES!" The spotlight swiveled towards the judges' table, where, much to Dumbledore's dismay, the judges already were sitting. Smiling, he bore with it anyway and started announcing.

"I see your shwartz is as big as mine! It's GUILDEROY LOCKHART!"

Lockhart stared puzzledly. "What's a shwartz?" he finally asked. "And why don't I have one?"

"No, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again! It's SIBYL TRELAWNEY!"

"You didn't… but I did," boomed Trelawney in her prophesy voice.

"And finally, I told you never to call me on this wall again! MAD-EYE MOODY!"

"Why don't these things ever make sense?" Moody wondered.

"And now the guest of honor, Harry Potter!" Dumbledore motioned dramatically to the stage, where Harry was caught off guard blowing a kiss to the costume lady.

"Erm… erm… I want all of them!" Harry grinned innocently.

"But only ONE can win, Harry!" Dumbledore laughed his Senator Rourke laugh. "Ready or not, you need to give the contestants in the Rad Room their challenge!"

The big screen onstage flickered on, showing the Top 14 lounging around in all their glory.

"Hel-LO, contestants! Guess what? Today your childhood dreams are gonna come true… what do I mean by that? Your challenge is… to SURVIVE ONE HOUR in… THE POKEMON WORLD!"

"OH MY GOD, YAY!" Contestant 17 squeed.

The video feed turned to static.

"Well, that was fun." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Of course it was. And we'll check back in with them in an hour. In the meantime, let's have one big long commercial break followed by a word from our sponsor!" Dumbledore waved to the camera as the shadows of the judges sitting in front of him jerked around wondering if they were going to have any say in the episode.

Cue commercial break.

* * *

"Do you miss your TV shows? Well, here's a new sitcom that we bought the scripts for BEFORE the strike!" 

A very cheerful song starts in the background. A boy and a girl run into a living room and start jumping all over the couch. A voice starts singing:

"Speaking as a guy who's really got it going on  
It's only natural, it's only me"

The boy gives a thumbs-up to the girl, the girl rolls her eyes, crosses her arms, and shakes her head. The boy sighs. A voice sings again:

"Take it from a fella who's been around the block so many times  
He knows the only parking spot that's free, it's only me"

The boy runs out of the sight of the camera and, with a grin, brings back a Spongebob doll. The girl sticks her nose in the air and looks the other way. The boy sighs and trudges off. A voice continues:

"You can say I've tried everything  
I'd save on the wedding ring  
Who knows me half as well as me?"

The boy runs back with a Firebolt. The girl jumps from the couch with a huge smile, and the two of them begin dancing as the voice continues:

"I'm not anti-social, and it's nothing that's reproachful  
It's just natural, it's only me"

The announcer finishes, "Watch our new show, 'Wizards of Magicland'!"

* * *

A woman sighs as the commercial she is watching comes to a close. "Boy, that was inspiring to me… Oh! I was NOT expecting you so soon! I guess now it is time for me to tell you all the things that our sponsor does not own and is not responsible for!" 

The sponsor of this show doesn't own anything but CDs, DVDs, and books relating to Harry Potter, Linkin Park, The Exies, _Spaceballs_, random quotes from Midnight (and the original chat this TV show is based on), _Sin City_, "American Idol", "Pokemon", "Spongebob Squarepants", Barenaked Ladies, _The Ring_, _Lord of the Rings_, "Hamtaro", _Spring Awakening_, _The Emperor's New Groove_, The Doors, Kelly Clarkson, Ricky Martin, Bob Marley, Clay Aiken, Queen (oh, the "Queen"!), _Thriller_, _The Wiz_, and Potter Puppet Pals.

"Enjoy the rest of the show!"

* * *

"And we're back! Boy, time moves quickly!" Dumbledore straightened his jacket again, over the shock of having to pay for his own dinner check. "Let's have the contestants line up onstage!" 

Harry perked up as fourteen contestants trudged in a line in front of the judges. "Twelve of you I see here," he stated officiously, "yet fourteen I sent forth to do the task. Tell me, where is…" he broke off of his _Fellowship_-inspired stateliness and drawled, "Hey, help me out here, I can't tell you guys apart anyway!"

Dumbledore thought out loud quickly, "Well, there were seven pairs, Contestants…" From there it sounded more like, "blahdeeblahdeedah" because the stream of numbers was so confusing that nobody could decipher it. "AH!" Dumbledore finally exclaimed.

"What is it?" Moody yawned.

"The missing contestants are Contestants 12 and 14! Oh, I guess that means they're automatically disqualified. How disappointing, I'm sure we were all looking forward to a nice humiliating un-masking. Well, ta-ta until next week!" Dumbledore pranced off, leaving Harry, the judges, the contestants, and the audience slightly bewildered and quite upset.

* * *

Ever wonder what happens after a show turns off? 

The TV network statics after a certain time (because only ultra-major stations have the licenses required to play late). You lay around on your couch, not sure whether to wake your date to get up and move or not. You're so tired, not only because it is so late but also because the static seems to want to lure you to sleep. Plus, what kind of soap opera does static make? "Hi, Mr. Static, I just had a baby with your wife, Mrs. Static! What do you think of that?" "Oh, no, but I'm not really Mr. Static! I'm really a girl in disguise!"

A girl, you say?

Yes, a girl, who comes crawling out of a well by the strength of her claws and long black hair. A girl, who slowly faces you and inquires, "Did you really think we would be through that quickly? Let me show you what happened when the contestants thought they would be safe from the camera."

She pulls out her own DVD, and the show continues.

* * *

First, the camera moves to pair number one: Contestant 2 disguised as Marcus Flint and Contestant 8 disguised as Professor McGonagall. 

"No cameras around for once," Contestant 2 sighs, and turns to Contestant 8. "You do know I'm not a guy, right?"

Contestant 8 nods and falls over sobbing.

Contestant 2 freezes. "Duuuude," she panics, not knowing who the other person is or why the heck she's crying. "Duuuuuude!" she begins dancing around from foot to foot. "… Okay, not cool," she adds when Contestant 8 did not stop crying.

"I don't know whether I should even be here in this competition," Contestant 8 sobs.

This is when Contestant 2 discovers who her buddy is. After checking for cameras, she swears, "Hoooooly shit."

"Yeah, I am in deep shit, and I wish I could just let go of everything… wait, I shouldn't be telling you anything."

"It's okay, I already know… and I'm sorry…" Contestant 2 pats Contestant 8's back. _Just not sorry enough to want you to win_, she thinks to herself.

----

The camera moves to another clearing a couple of yards away, where pair number two is sitting with their backs against each other. This pair contains Contestant 3, disguised as Fleur Delacour, and Contestant 10, disguised as Lee Jordan, and it is plain to see that the two are not very happy with each other.

"You just ENJOYED making fun of me last week, didn't you?" Contestant 3 pouts.

Contestant 10 groans, "Okay, Gimli is SUPPOSED to make fun of Legolas all the time, and actually, Legolas is supposed to make fun of him back. You're not supposed to take those kinds of comments personally anyway."

Contestant 3's eyes narrow, "You made fun of the hair."

"What, so you're a pussy in real life too?" Contestant 10 laughs.

"I am NOT a PUSSY!" Contestant 3 jumps up and reaches for his wand.

"Well then, there are some Mankey on the edge of this clearing who have been eyeing us for a while. Why don't you go over there and teach them a lesson?"

"Huh?" Contestant 3 turns around to see the circle of Mankey looking up at him and glaring.

Contestant 10 grins.

"Nice Mankey… nice Mankey… oh my God, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…" Contestant 3 shrieks as he runs from the clearing.

Contestant 10 watches as he runs, then turns to deal with the Mankey now swarming around him. He could cope; ages of bullying first-years had given him the necessary experience.

----

The camera turns to follow Contestant 3 down the path he was blazing like a scared cartoon character running through walls. He whimpers as he crashes and blunders until he finally catches sight of a nearby town. "Viridian City," the sign reads. _Nice, a city_, Contestant 3 thinks to himself as he saunters into town, feeling safe again.

This feeling goes away as he sees Dumbledore chatting with Boss Giovanni in a nearby café.

_Shit, I can't let them see me, he'll throw me out for cheating_, he thinks as he searches for somewhere to hide.

_Ah, ha!_, he grins as he sees the costume shop across the street.

----

The camera moves away and goes back to the forest, where we see a famous group of characters sitting around having lunch.

Brock sighs. "I miss Misty… traveling around isn't the same without her. What?" Brock addresses to Ash, who paled at the mention of Misty.

"Uh… Brock… you're older than me…" Ash sputters.

"Yes…?" Brock shrugs.

"Uh… um… ano… I need to ask you about something… something… maybe you would know about…"

"Ash, what's this all about? Just tell me. You know I won't bug you or anything. We're pals, aren't we?" Brock smiles, only making Ash feel more uncomfortable.

"Well… let me put it this way…" Ash stands up.

Pikachu groans. "Pika pik pika."

"Yes, yes, I know, but hopefully it won't take as long as the last time, okay?" Ash reassures him.

Pikachu rolls his eyes and leaves the clearing, probably to find safe haven elsewhere.

Ash shrugs at the antics of his Pokemon, then turns on the beat-up boombox that just happened to be in the corner of the clearing. An upbeat guitar solo begins, one that makes Ash and Brock start dancing like Ok Go and attracts other Pokemon to become Ash's back-up dancers. Ash continues dancing and begins singing:

"God, I dreamed there was an angel  
Who could hear me through the wall  
As I cried out, like, in Latin  
'This is so not life at all'  
Help me out, out of this nightmare  
Then I heard her silver call  
She said 'Just give it time, kid  
I come to one and all.'"

"Ahhh…" ahh the backup singer Pokemon and Brock. Ash continues:

"She said, 'Give me your hand, please  
An itch you can't control  
Let me teach you how to handle  
All the sadness in your soul  
Oh, we'll work that silver magic  
Then we'll aim it at the wall.'  
She said, 'Love may make you blind, kid  
But I wouldn't mind at all.'"

"It's the bitch of living," they all sing, with their doo-wappy background voices. Brock was so busy dancing that he forgot to react to Ash's pubic nightmare.

"PIIIIIIKAAAAAA!" Pikachu runs in suddenly.

"What? What is it, Pikachu?" Ash stops singing for a moment to bend over and listen.

"Pika pik pik pika pika pika pika." Pikachu buzzes quickly.

"You met a strange man in the woods today."

"Pik pika pik pik."

"He had girly blonde hair."

"Piiik!" Pikachu jumps around. "Pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika piiiiiik!"

"Wait, what was that again? You were talking too fast, I could barely catch it." Ash glances back at Brock, who shrugs, pretending that he could understand and that Ash wasn't looking like an idiot at all.

Pikachu groans, then repeats, "Pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika piiiiiik!"

"Ohhhhh, he was wearing a big hamster costume? How weird is that!"

Pikachu nods, then continues, "Pika pik pika piiiiiik pika pik."

"Awwww, he was mean to you? I'm sorry. We'll be sure to look out for that crazy man, won't we, Brock?"

"Yeah, sure." Brock nods, just a little bit puzzled.

"What's that? You're not done?" Ash turns around again as Pikachu keeps pulling on his shirt.

"Pika pik pika pika pika!"

"There's two more people and they're heading this way? EVERYBODY, CODE RED! STOP YOUR DANCING, THEY MIGHT HAVE CAMERAS!"

The Pokemon freeze and sprint for the trees. The boombox was stampeded on until eventually someone came back for it and ran off again. Brock and Ash take their places eating a happy picnic lunch under the trees of Viridian Forest.

Here enter pair number 3, consisting of Contestant 4, disguised as Viktor Krum, and Contestant 5, disguised as Ron Weasley. The arrangement seems to be disconcerting to Contestant 4, as he can't keep his eyes off his partner.

"Hey, were you guys just playing music? We could hear it all the way back to the portal from where we came in." Contestant 4 points back to the trees behind them.

"Don't know what you're talking about." Brock shrugs.

"Oh… hmm," Contestant 4 turns around. "Nice setup you have here."

"Piiiiiiika…" Pikachu pokes Ash.

"No, they don't have cameras…" Ash whispers back.

Contestant 5 plops down without a single acknowledging look at the original occupants of the clearing. "Do you guys have food? I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and I think I'm going to get fat…" she whines.

"Wow, you're here in the woods and you're worried about your weight? Why would you even bother coming out here?" Ash jokes.

"I didn't have a choice, you…" Contestant 5 looks up… and instantly falls in love. "Oh, wow… your black hair… and your big eyes… you look like a cuter version of Harry…"

"Huh?" Ash falls over. "I didn't know guys could like guys."

"I'm not a guy," Contestant 5 pouts.

"I mean…" Ash continues, ignoring Contestant 5, "what could the guys possibly do?"

"Pikaaaaa…" Pikachu groans and slaps his forehead, before calmly explaining to Ash, "Pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika piiiiik, pik pika pika pik pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pikaaa pik."

Everyone stares at Ash as he contemplates. "Ohhhhh, I get it!" Ash exclaims finally. "Oh." He stops. His face turns red. "Gosh, why would anyone ever want to do THAT?"

Somewhere deep in the back of his mind, Brock secretly wishes somebody had a camcorder to record this priceless moment.

Pikachu shakes his head, thinking of his secret lover that he sometimes liked to switch with when Ash was asleep so that he could take a day off from traveling. "Pikaaa…" Pikachu sighs.

Then Pikachu pulls out an electric guitar and a microphone out of the bushes and, in a baritone voice, begins singing, "People are strange when you're a stranger…"

----

A couple twists and turns through the woods later and the camera microphone could finally stop picking up the sound of the previous oddity. This was a relief, until said microphone starts picking up something unpleasant crashing through from the other direction.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh! Listen to this! Listen to this!"

"Wha…"

Then singing. "Since you been gone…"

Now we see group number four, consisting of Contestant 12 disguised as Aunt Petunia and Contestant 14 disguised as Gabrielle Delacour. Contestant 12 groans, "It sounds about the same as your other audition songs."

"Which ones?"

"I dunno, either the one about she bangs or the other about how I shot the sheriff but I didn't shoot the deputy."

"Oh yeah!" Contestant 14 exclaims. "You think I have a real chance of becoming the next American Idol and getting a record deal and putting out a Christmas CD as awesome as Clay Aiken's?"

"Ugh, enough with the Clay obsessing!" complains Contestant 12.

Contestant 14 gasps.

"What?!"

"You're right!" Contestant 14 continues. "I'm not gonna be as AWESOME as Clay Aiken, I'm gonna be even better!"

"Dear God!" mutters Contestant 12 as Contestant 14 continues, "You don't think I should sing something else instead? Maybe something with a little bit of soul…" He begins singing, "Mama… just killed a man… put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger, now he's dead…"

"Jiggly!" says a little pink blob from the bushes.

"Stop singing? But I haven't even gotten to the big notes yet!" He continues singing, "MAMAAAAAAA, OOOOOH, didn't MEAN to…"

"Jiggly! Jigg jigg jigg puff!"

"What?!" sputters Contestant 14. "Now, just who do you think you are, Simon Cowell?"

"Jiggly!" poses the Jigglypuff.

Contestant 14 shrugs. "Okay, fine, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one."

"Puff!" Jigglypuff poses again.

"Hey, what makes you think you can do better?"

Jigglypuff smiles.

"Oh man…" Contestant 12 pulls back on Contestant 14's shoulder. "I've watched the TV show, and I really don't think you should go through with this."

Contestant 14 turns around and glares (the glare, while sadly unaccompanied with his normal bushy eyebrows, still goes fabulously with the Aunt Petunia outfit). "See, you're like those other cynics! Like Madeye Moody and Midnight Shinoda! Well, that isn't going to work this time!" Contestant 14 turns to face the Jigglypuff with a stiff neck. "Trelawney told me last episode to never let anyone tell me to stop singing. Well, I think she's right, and this next part's for her!" Contestant 14 pulls out a "microphone" (really a stick) and sings, "So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Ohhhhhh, baby, can't do this to me, baby…"

If Jigglypuffs had a competition for evil-grinning, this one would take first place, second place, and the congratulatory cake all to himself. He pulls out a real microphone.

"Jiiiiigglypuuuuuff…"

----

The camera pauses for a little break at a bubbling stream in the woods. Good thing the person behind it left when she did, because otherwise the same thing would've happened to her what happened to them.

Upstream, another pair (consisting of Contestant 16 dressed up as Pansy Parkinson and Contestant 17 dressed up as Madame Hooch) is frolicking in the water… until the Magikarp begin to bite.

"Oh, what a lovely frolic!" Contestant 17 sighs, rubbing her swollen feet.

"You're a lovely person," drools Contestant 16.

"Aww, how sweet. Thank you."

"What's your name?" Uh, oh…

Time to move, and quickly.

But not quickly enough to drown out the scream:

"OH MY GOD, YUCK! I FEEL LIKE A CHILD MOLESTER PEDOPHILE PERSON! EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"

----

Our time is almost up with the extra video feed, and there are still two more pairs to visit. But why not stop in and visit our favorite would-be villains: Jessie, James, and Meowth?

The window zooms to fit the furrowed-brow expression on Meowth's face as he pours over some fine literature, "Fernando de Las Hamburguesas".

"NO! NO! NO! DON'T EAT THEM! THEY'RE POISONED! OH, MANUELA, MANUELA!" Meowth throws down the fotonovela. "Gee, I hate these cliffhangers. Now I have to wait until next week to see if Fernando arrives at the castle on time to save his media naranja."

"Oh, by the way, I picked this up at the Poke-Mart," Jessie holds up the next issue.

"MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!" Meowth snatches it and begins to read again. "Oh, no¡las prostitutas de desastre¡Fernando, eres hombre mujeriego!"

"¡Soy hombre mujeriego!" James loudly proclaims. Jessie smacks him.

Here at this perfect moment enter our penultimate pairing: Contestant 6 dressed up as Cho Chang and Contestant 7 dressed up as Narcissa Malfoy. It is a very good thing that neither of the two speaks Spanish.

"Hold it!" Contestant 7 holds up a hand and pauses in his strides (Contestant 6 trips up behind him). "May I have the pleasure of knowing your names?" he continues in a silky voice.

The trio grins. Finally, somebody who wasn't tired of their favorite personal introduction!

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unit all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"James!"

"Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

"Meowth, that's right!" The three hold their pose.

"Mmhmm, quality, quality…" Contestant 7 strokes his chin, looking much more like Narcissa's husband in drag than Narcissa.

"Wait… doesn't that mean you're… bad people?" Contestant 6 asks with wide eyes.

The three stare as Contestant 7 quickly puts a Silencing charm on Contestant 6.

"Ahem…" Contestant 7 coughs politely. "May we join you?"

Jessie and James share a glance. "Well… sure," Jessie shrugs.

"But you gotta learn the dance!" Meowth jumps up and exclaims.

"All in good time, Meowth, all in good time!" James winks.

"… The dance?" Contestant 7 grows uneasy. "What do you mean by… the dance? We don't have enough time left to learn any… frivolous… dances."

"Then I guess you'll have to follow along and make up your own part as you go," Jessie moves the contestants to either side of where Meowth is standing before taking her own place in the front row next to James. "MUSIC!" she cries.

A beat-up boombox falls out of the air, lands behind them, and starts blasting Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust". Jessie, James, and Meowth start dancing their own specially-choreographed dance hustle to the bass and drums of the intro. It comes off looking like people from _Thriller_ dancing down the street, only it's a path through the woods instead, and the only city-like gathering of buildings nearby was Pewter just ahead.

"I don't see you dancing!" Meowth crows as Contestants 6 and 7 just stand around looking mildly frightened.

James steps out in front of the group. "Oooh, let's go!" he cries, and starts singing.

"Steve walks warily down the street  
With brim pulled way down low  
Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet  
Machine gun's ready to go  
Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this?  
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?  
Out of the doorway the bullets rip  
To the sound of the beat, yeaaaaaah…" James finishes epically, while twisting around and gracefully landing back in his slot among the other four.

Bounce, bounce, bounce-CLAP-CLAP. "Another one bites the dust!" they sing. Bounce, bounce, bounce-CLAP-CLAP. "Another one bites the dust!" they sing again. Then they scoot to the left, then back to the right (hey, that goes with the tune of the next line!) while singing, "And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust."

"Hey!" Contestant 7 protests as Meowth starts grabbing his legs trying to getting him to dance.

"Hey," James stops and points to the camera with a little head-jive. "I'm gonna get you too!"

All sing, "Another one bites the dust!"

"Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this!" Contestant 6 squeals… just before tripping and falling AGAIN.

"Darn it, magic must not work here in this insane world," Contestant 7 mutters.

Jessie head-jives her way into the spot previously held by James and his solo. Her voice and her dance make her come off as a frenetic Aretha Franklin rather than Freddie Mercury singing an octave higher, but the guitar in the background still matches her energy perfectly as she sings.

"How do you think I'm gonna get along  
Without you when you're gone?  
You took me for everythin' that I had  
And kicked me out on my own-eh  
Are you ready? Are you satisfied?  
How long can you stand the heat?  
Out of the doorway, the bullets RIP-eh  
To the sound of the beat…" Jessie sings.

"LIMO!" Contestant 7 screams, rudely interrupting Jessie and ruining any potential for a dramatic vocal riff at the end of the verse. In a couple of seconds he has grabbed Contestant 6 and hijacked the elongated SUV for himself, driving away to parts unknown, hopefully leading to the portal back to the episode set.

"AARGH!" Jessie screams angrily. "Classical music just goes right over HIS head!"

The music screeches to a halt as the trio pauses for a few crucial seconds.

"Ah, who needs them anyway?" Meowth limp-wrists.

"He's right, you know," James adds.

"Ooh… well…" Jessie looks at both of them, "Okay! Let's continue! MUSIC!"

The beat-up boombox (which is also on wheels, apparently) turns back on as the three link arms and skip back and forth. Skip, skip, skip. "Another one bites the dust," they sing. Skip, skip, skip. "Another one bites the dust," they sing. Then the dance turns into something like following the Yellow Brick Road in _The Wiz_. "And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust," they sing.

"Hey, I'm gonna get you too!" Jessie sings.

"Another one bites the dust!" everyone finishes.

Here enter our final pair, consisting of Contestant 1 disguised as Molly Weasley and Contestant 9 disguised as Cornelius Fudge.

"Hey, I think I know this song…" Contestant 9 murmurs in his "Potions Master" voice from Potter Puppet Pals.

"Wow! I do too!" Contestant 1 exclaims in an "I Love School!" voice from Potter Puppet Pals. "Mind if we join?" she begs Team Rocket.

"Hey!" James grins and motions with his arm, never once falling out of beat with the song. Contestants 1 and 9 run to take their places on either side of Meowth in the back row.

"Ohhhhhh, take it!" Jessie yelled to the song.

"Bite the dust!" Meowth nods at both of his new row-mates.

Step, CLAP, step, CLAP, step, CLAP, step-CLAP-CLAP.

"Hey!" Contestant 9 cries, surprised as his ability to get the dance so quickly. If only if he could dance more often…

"BACK-ROW'S TURN!" Jessie and James stop abruptly to the music and turn around.

Unlike the two they're replacing, this pair is definitely ready for their solo.

"Another one bites the dust!" they sing. "Another one bites the dust."

"AOW!" Meowth leans back and wails.

"Another one bites the dust," they continue.

"Hey, hey!" Contestant 9 adds optimistically.

"Another one bites the dust," they sing.

"HEEEeeeeEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEeeeEEEeeeeeey-yeh-yeh…" Contestant 1 belts (oh, come on, she always had the potential to start belting like that in her previous years, didn't she?). "Oooooh, shove it!" she finishes.

"My turn!" Meowth quickly intervenes before she steals his verse. He pushes in front of Jessie and James and sings.

"There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man  
And bring him to the ground  
You can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad  
And leave him when he's down, yeah  
But I'm ready, yes, I'm ready for you  
I'm standing on my own two feet  
Out of the doorway the bullets rip  
Repeating the sound of the beat, ohhhh, yeah…" Meowth finishes, but decides to stay at the front because it makes a cool V-shape with him at the vertex where he likes to be.

"Another one bites the dust!" they sing.

"HOLD IT!" James shouts, putting a finger to his lips.

The five of them watch silently as a mysterious white and brown mass collapses on the path ahead of them.

"What kind of Pokemon is that?" Contestant 1 oohs.

"I don't know." Contestant 9 whispers back.

"You think we'll get a lot of money if we capture it and bring it to our boss?" Meowth cackles.

"Yeah, that's a one-of-a-kind, that is…" Jessie nods.

James grins, "Let's go harass it!"

"NO, NO, NO!" Contestant 1 runs in front of them to stop them. "That blob is a living being, and it has feelings too! How would you like it if somebody walked up to you and started harassing you for money?"

The poor, tired, and huddled mass reaches up and pulls off his costume head to reveal a head full of bright blonde hair.

"Oh," Contestant 1 grimaces. "Have at him all you want then."

Contestant 9 shakes his head.

The video begins to cackle and fade…

* * *

"But wait, if you're still awake, take a look at the set now…" the creepy girl pushes open a door behind her to reveal an empty auditorium complete with empty seats and an empty stage. 

A spot glows blue, and all of a sudden two last people pop out.

"YES!" Contestant 14 rejoices, before seeing the barren wasteland of the set. "Oh…"

"Ummmm…" Contestant 12 rubs his eyes.

The two look at each other. Both of their faces are covered in black scribble-marks and blue bruises.

"This is your fault, you know," Contestant 12 pouts.

"Oh, quit reminding me!" Contestant 14 snaps, before sighing and turning back. "Well? Are we going to reveal ourselves?"

Contestant 12 shrugs, "Sure… why not? Nobody's going to know about it anyway, right?"

The two of them strip away their fake wigs and dresses and turn around to look at each other. The two contestants eliminated are Charlie Weasley (12) and Viktor Krum (14), but the network is shut off for the night, and the couch-potatoes are sleeping, so who's left to care?

"Who else but you?" It's the girl come back, and she's leaning outside of the limit of the TV screen. She reaches for your remote, and with a click the TV turns itself off.

* * *

A half-cookie for rekahneku... I'm pretty sure she got Charlie, but she lost her list of people that she guessed. Twas my bad that I didn't describe these people better, I guess. I think in the rest of the episodes there'll be more prizes though... because even as I type this some of my friends are having a guessing party and I know for a fact that rekahneku has just guessed a HECKUVA lot of contestants. 

P.S.: "un hombre mujeriego" is like a womanizer or a man-whore in Spanish.


	5. Top 12 Night

Hey, this is Sibbie. Good news (for this) is that I've decided to take a break from theatre for the final quarter of this year of school, so I should have more time to write, and the chapters might come faster because they're getting shorter as the contestants get kicked off. The bad news is that I need to put together a writing portfolio for trying to get into college, so that might suck up some time. If anything gets delayed to the summer hopefully I won't have a 60-hour/week job again so that'll help too.

I also have some extra-special motivation to finish this now because Midnight and I went through my notebooks from ages ago the other day and found all the chapters to my first fanfic but the third one (and a huge chunk of the fourth). Looking at it, it's aged a lot (was I really that fangirly? Holy crap!), but I think I can probably revamp it and repost it, which would be AMAZING!

Enjoy the show!

* * *

"We tip our hat to you, Mr. Pizza Delivery Boy. You take orders! You drive miles and miles! You balance ten boxes on your head… and though you smell the tempting cheesiness the whole time, you never take a single bite! Tonight, we welcome the United Holy Pizza Cartiers (the UHPC) on this special edition tribute taping of 'Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?'!"

The opening credits rolled as the Rent-A-Band, in their specially-made inflatable pizza costumes, played "People Are Strange" by The Doors. It made some of the elders in the audience want to cry.

"Ah, another fun-filled week…" Dumbledore sighed. He was wearing a nice suit that made him look like a waiter in a restaurant in the Emerald City, and it changed colors too.

"You're telling me," muttered Mad-Eye Moody.

"Oh, yes, and here we have the judges!" Dumbledore smiled his "phony" smile and motioned to the table.

"The point is the dolphins! GUILDEROY LOCKHART!"

"What about the dolphins?" Lockhart jumped up, confused.

"You still won't have finished watching the Sound of Music! It's SYBLL TRELAWNEY!"

"Nope, sorry dear, that's next week's episode," she shook her head.

"And not one single sushi restaurant! MAD-EYE MOODY!"

"Gosh, I was quite hoping you could take my order," Moody replied with sarcasm. Behind him, a host of union workers ground their teeth.

"WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!" a lone voice sang.

"Shut up!" her friend elbowed her.

"And now, our man of the moment, Harry Potter!"

* * *

The sponsor does not own anything that has to do with Harry Potter, beer commercials, Linkin Park, The Doors, American Idol, _The Wiz_, _Good Omens_, _The Sound of Music_, Indiana Jones, _Flipper_, Mario Party 5, _One Froggy Evening_,

* * *

"Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold on! Hold on!" Harry yelped. "It's MY show! I should get to introduce myself too!" He ran onstage and took a bow to the fading music.

"Actually, it's my show, but what's a mistake between friends?" Dumbledore grinned at Harry then pointed his wand at the TV screen behind them. "Let's take a look at the contestants in the Rad Room and tell them what their task this week is!"

--

Inside the Rad Room, the contestants finished assembling themselves on the couch. There were only 12 of them, so it wasn't too hard to pile onto the thing. And next week, there was only going to be ten of them, then nine, then eight, then seven, then six…

--

"Hel-LO, contestants!" Harry waved at the screen. "After last week the video of you guys in the Pokemon World got exactly FORTY HITS!" He paused to watch the contestants squirm, wondered who those hits were from, and continued, "We decided to make this week's task a video-making challenge. We'll be pairing you off and having you create your own commercials!"

--

"Oh, bloody 'ell," muttered Contestant 4.

--

"And now to give the contestants a little bit of time we'll have a word from our sponsor," Dumbledore nodded to the audience, oblivious to the cries of outrage from backstage.

* * *

A woman looks up from her laptop. "Sorry about that false-start earlier," she laughed. "I was so sure that he'd said he was introducing me. But he said Harry's name instead. Oh well, now for that part of the show where we list off everything the sponsor does not own and isn't responsible for."

The sponsor does not own anything but books, CDs, DVDs, and games pertaining to Harry Potter, beer commercials, Linkin Park, The Doors, _The Wiz_, _Good Omens_ (aka: _Best Book Ever_), American Idol, protest songs, Pokemon, Coca-Cola, Home Depot, Potter Puppet Pals, _One Froggy Evening_, _Sweeney Todd_, Mickey Mouse, Cameron Diaz, _Jesus Christ Superstar_, Melissa O'Neil, Indiana Jones, Monty Python, Flipper, Mario Party 5, and Ozzy Osbourne.

The Beat-Up Boombox and Eeh'h'h'h'h'h'h (aka "The Dolphin King") appear courtesy of the author. Also, all of the poetry was written by the author except for the poems recited by Contestant 16 outside of the commercial. The haiku recited at that moment was composed by Midnight and the limerick co-written by both Midnight and the author (on a long night after the author had had too much Coca-Cola).

"Enjoy tonight's show!  
It should be entertaining,  
At least I hope so."

* * *

"And now let's have our first pairing come up onstage and we'll see what they've got!" Dumbledore motioned to the wings on either side of him.

"That wasn't a heck of a lot of time," Harry muttered.

"I heard that! This is for your own good, Harry!" Dumbledore wiggled his finger at Harry and then went back to smiling as Contestant 1 (dressed as Aunt Petunia) and Contestant 10 (dressed as Charlie Weasley) finally ran in. Contestant 10 was rubbing a band-aid on his forehead.

"Sorry we're late, Professor," Contestant 1 huffed angrily as she handed Dumbledore a piece of paper. "Here's our credits."

--

Credits:

Aunt Petunia – Contestant 1  
Charlie Weasley – Contestant 10  
Elevator Music Provided by the Rent-A-Band  
Product Supplied by the sponsor  
Crew and Camera Operator Supplied by Castle Depot; "For All of Your Wizarding Castle Needs"

--

"Well then, hop to it," Dumbledore waved them into the Bottom Three stools (loaned from another reality hit show… in America of all places) and flipped on the screen.

* * *

Smooth rhythm and blues fills the background of this commercial. The camera zooms in on the beautiful smile of Aunt Petunia as she turns around to face the camera. "Hello," she says. "I'm here to tell you about the latest breakthrough in skin-care: closing off every single pore on your face! First, the cleansing lotion…"

A bored Charlie Weasley grabs the tube of lotion, but unfortunately for him the top explodes, sending the contents all over his face, hair, and clothing.

Aunt Petunia nervously giggles. "Next, the rubber cement… no, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! STOP THAT, STOP THAT!"

Charlie freezes in the middle of sticking his forehead in the hardening rubber cement. Aunt Petunia slaps him hard and screams, "YOU F-"

The video feed dies.

* * *

Everyone in the audience was frozen in their laughter, stricken at the sight of Contestant 1 screaming at Contestant 10.

"Dude, what happened, dawg?" Lockhart asked her.

Contestant 1 buried her face in her hands, knowing that Contestant 10 would just be smirking at her if she looked up. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said over and over again.

"No, don't be sorry, tell us what went wrong!" Moody snapped.

"Oh, don't be so hard on the girl. I thought she was beautiful," Trelawney smiled at Contestant 1.

"Ugh!" exclaimed Contestant 1. "You guys are idiots! We only had that one sponsor break to film our commercial, and we only had TIME for one take, and then that idiot behind me sticks his head in the rubber cement! How else do you expect us to do? The most we can say is that at least the other contestants have more time to film theirs!" She stormed off the stage.

There was a long pause.

"Did we do good?" Contestant 10 grinned.

"No, you did awful. Get off the freaking stage," Moody glared and Contestant 10 bolted.

"Hehe, that was awkward!" Dumbledore giggled, signaling that the situation was over and there would be no more mention of it at the moment. "Let's bring our next group up here!"

Contestant 9 (disguised as Dudley Dursley) glided smoothly onstage and handed a piece of paper to Dumbledore. "Here you are, Albus, but I have to go back and coax my partner to get onstage," he droned in his Potter-Puppet-Pals voice before leaving again.

--

Credits:

Narcissa Malfoy as 'Woman In Bar' – Contestant 4  
Dudley Dursley as 'Man In Bar' – Contestant 9  
Voiceover – God (in an exclusive cameo appearance!)  
Music Provided by the Beat-Up Boombox  
'Vibrant Green' Supplied by the sponsor  
Crew and Camera Operator Supplied by Castle Depot; "For All of Your Wizarding Castle Needs"

--

"Here we go," droned Contestant 9 as he dragged Contestant 4 (disguised as Narcissa Malfoy) onstage.

"I explicitly requested NOT to be cross-dressing again!" Contestant 4 pouted. "Who the heck decides these things?"

"Okay, let's play back your commercial now!" Dumbledore flicked on the screen.

* * *

A guy sweet-talks a girl without a lot of success... as the girl slaps him a voiceover says, "Maybe he should have remembered his 'Vibrant Green' cologne…"

The scene freezes, letting the guy back up and sprinkle some Vibrant Green. A cloud of it reaches his nostrils, and he breathes it in and smiles. A top hat and cane magically appear…

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

The scene unfreezes as he loudly serenades the uncomfortable-looking girl, "Hello, ma baby! Hello, ma honey! Hello, ma ragtime gal!" She tries to leave but he grabs her hand and swings her around singing, "Send me a kiss by wire, baby, my heart's on fire!" He then dances around the poor woman singing, "If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone," he nods, then continues, "Oh, baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own!"

He poses with the contestant as the Vibrant Green logo fades in over the finishing brass.

* * *

The audience applauded.

"You have a great singing voice, Contestant 9, but that was a little weird for me, yo," Lockhart shook his head. The clapping immediately turned into loud, obnoxious boos. "What?!" shouted Lockhart.

"To tell the truth, it was a little weird for me too," replied Contestant 9 in a silky voice. "You see, sir, I'm mad infatuate with love, so I use maybe a sprinkling, perhaps, of French cologne, but first, sir, I think," he paused, then sang, "A shave!"

Yet another awkward pause hung around the studio.

"I think I'll go back to the dressing rooms now," Contestant 4 motioned to the side.

"Yes, we'll go now," Contestant 9 grabbed Contestant 4's arm and dragged him off.

"The closest I ever gave…" Sweeney Todd sang with a demonic grin, until he too ran offstage at the look on Dumbledore's face.

"Commercial break!" cried Harry.

The judges groaned. "You already have all of these other commercials to watch, Harry," Trelawney sighed.

"…" Harry's shoulders fell. "Some task idea this turned out to be."

"Let's have our next group up here now!" Dumbledore motioned onstage again.

Contestant 16 (dressed as Vernon Dursley) and Contestant 17 (dressed as Ginny Weasley) walked onstage. Contestant 17 curtsied at Dumbledore as she handed him their piece of paper.

"Is it true that you're a pedophile?" whispered Dumbledore at Contestant 16.

Both contestants smacked their foreheads at the thought of their little scene making the video from last week's episode.

--

Credits:

Ginny Weasley – Contestant 17  
Uncle Vernon – Contestant 16  
Voiceover – Mickey Mouse (in an exclusive cameo appearance!)  
Elevator Music Provided by the Rent-A-Band  
Crew and Camera Operator Supplied by Castle Depot; "For All of Your Wizarding Castle Needs"

--

"Mickey Mouse?! This should be good…" Dumbledore grinned as he flicked on the background screen.

* * *

A voiceover brightly declares, "And now for a Public Service Announcement."

Ginny and Uncle Vernon sit down at a desk and smile. Ginny recites in a lovely French accent:

"Always remember:  
A haiku per day is like  
A flower petal."

Uncle Vernon stares at her. "Uhhhhh… what she said!" he nods.

Ginny gives him a look and recites:

"Now it is your turn.  
I will not write one for you;  
You must say your own."

Uncle Vernon's eyes go wide. "Uh… uh…" he panics, and recites:

"Okay, okay, here's  
My haiku, I hope it's really  
Pretty like you."

"Um, can we move one syllable in the second line over to the third line and pretend that's it?" the guy pleads as the video fades.

* * *

"Oooooh," the audience oohed in shock at Contestant 16's failure to come up with a haiku.

"Those were some brilliant haikus, Contestant 17… but as for YOU, Mister Contestant-Number-Sixteen…" Trelawney glared (which she rarely ever did).

"Hey, hey, hey," Contestant 16 raised his hands, smiled, and recited:

"I am tired of  
Writing these haikus to you.  
Can we write lim'ricks?"

"WRONG!" booed the audience.

"No it's not!" protested Contestant 16. "That's 'tired' as in 'tie-yerd' and an elision over the second syllable in 'limerick'! Come on!"

"Fine, fine… give us a limerick then," Moody grinned evilly.

"I will!" Contestant 16 posed with another smile and recited:

"I once met a very hot chick  
Who wanted to suck on my brick  
She said, 'Oh my God!  
Why's it all in a wad?!'  
And I said, 'No, my dear, it's just thick.'"

A third awkward silence burst into the room and prevailed in setting a world record. Contestant 16 turned around but found that Contestant 17 had already run off the stage.

"Did that limerick count under the heading of 'sexual language, references, and demonstrations'?" he asked Dumbledore out of the corner of his mouth.

Dumbledore nodded curtly.

"I guess I'll just… go now… then…" Contestant 16 dashed off.

"Gooooood…" Dumbledore deviously drew out the double-o and grinned. "Let's bring up our fourth group!"

Out wandered Contestant 2 (disguised as Fred Weasley) and Contestant 6 (disguised as Nymphadora Tonks). The two contestants made an awkward couple put together (especially since they had gone out together one time), but it didn't matter because both seemed to be very enthusiastic about what they had filmed. "It's epic!" exclaimed Contestant 6 as he passed their piece of paper over to Dumbledore.

And it was epic. They had the longest paper yet.

--

Credits:

George Weasley as 'The Man' – Contestant 2  
Nymphadora Tonks as the voice of 'The Chips' – Contestant 6  
Trilithia – Cameron Diaz (in an exclusive cameo appearance!)  
Boritras – The Chemist (in an exclusive cameo appearance!)  
Choir Provided by the JC Superstar soundtrack played on the Beat-Up Boombox  
Other Mood Music Provided by the Rent-A-Band  
'Whoosa Chips' Supplied by the sponsor  
Crew and Camera Operator Supplied by Castle Depot; "For All of Your Wizarding Castle Needs"

--

"Wow," Dumbledore squinted at the fine print on the piece of paper. "Okay, then, let's see it."

* * *

An evil villain cackles as he closes the prison door on a scared-looking man in a cell. Outside the door, a damsel in distress screams. The man hangs his head in defeat… until he spots it.

The last bag of Whoosa Chips... crunchy, delectable Whoosa Chips… with a halo of white and yellow…

Love blooms… but the man is frightened and full of guilt.

"But we have a future, you and I," the bag of chips murmurs.

"A future? How can we have a future when my sweet Trilithia hangs over a vat of spewing hot lava and the evil Boritras laughs at her destruction?" the man cries.

"I can tell your future," the bag of Whoosa Chips insists, "and I know that you have two paths. The first path… you stay here with me, the girl dies, and the villain wins, and even though you'll feel a little bit of guilt, we could be happy together. The second path… you go back into that room, and you'll die a horrible, painful, slow death… but she will live, and you'll be free of all guilt."

"Oh, choices, choices!" the man lamented. "What do I do? Do I… go back… and save Trilithia… or do I… stay here with you?" His eyes meet the shining label.

The Whoosa Chips logo shines on the screen to the chorus of angels.

* * *

"Wait a second, I'm a bit confused. Contestant 6, who is a guy, is disguised as Tonks and playing the voice of the chip bag?" Moody puzzled.

"Yes!" chimed Contestant 6.

"That's bizarre," Moody concluded.

A fourth awkward silence braced itself just in case.

"What do you mean, bizarre?" Contestant 6 replied with wide eyes. "We worked hard on this and we like it."

Contestant 2 rolled her eyes. "He didn't mean anything by it. Don't pay attention to him. We did something original and he's just putting us down for it, so there's nothing we can do about it."

Moody spluttered. "Excuse me, I'm the friggin' judge. Don't you roll your eyes at me!"

Contestant 2 looked him straight in the eye. "Hey, you may be a judge, and you may have some good points, but you're no Simon Cowell."

At this the entire studio and everyone in every building surrounding the studio stood up, placed a hand over their heart, and cried, "Hail Simon, the Always Right! May His Judgement Reign Eternal!"

"I rest my case," Moody bowed his head at the thought of the great judge. The fourth awkward silence sighed and moved on to bother Melissa O'Neil.

"Next, please! Come on, we're almost done!" Dumbledore called after the retreating contestants.

Contestant 3 (disguised as Minerva McGonagall) pranced ahead of his older partner, Contestant 7 (disguised as Marcus Flint). "Stupid youth," Contestant 7 muttered as he handed their paper off to Dumbledore.

--

Credits:

Marcus Flint as 'The Son' – Contestant 7  
Minerva McGonagall as 'The Mother' – Contestant 3  
No Music Provided  
'Pure Caffiene Exploding Soda Pop' Supplied by the sponsor  
Crew and Camera Operator Supplied by Castle Depot; "For All of Your Wizarding Castle Needs"

--

Dumbledore smirked at the credits. He knew the identity of both contestants, so he knew how ironic the casting of this commercial was. "Okay, let's play it," he called out, and somebody else flicked on the screen.

* * *

A little kid sits on the ground, banging two action figures together and singing a very familiar George Lucas/Steven Spielberg movie theme song: "Doo-do-dooooo… doo-do-dooooo… doo-do-do-dooooo… doo-do-doooo-dooooo-doooooo, doo-do-do-doooo… doo-do-dooooo… doo-doo-DOO-doo, do-DOO-doo, do-DOO-doo, do-DOO-doo…"

He looks up. "Do not blame me for singing," he shrugs. "See, that is my mother up there."

He points and the camera pans upward to a loudly singing woman who is also dancing around with a chair.

"Yes…" the kid shudders. "This morning somebody gave her a whole bottle of Pure Caffiene Exploding Soda Pop, and now she has this song stuck on my head and I cannot get it out."

The picture freezes and words pop out that read, "Have you had the 'Exploding' Sensation?"

* * *

The audience applauded.

"First completely quality commercial we've had all episode," nodded Lockhart.

"I particularly liked the Indiana Jones," added Moody.

"Oh, so THAT'S what that song was!" Contestant 7 rolled his eyes. "My partner would not stop singing it, I'm telling you."

"Well, that's okay," Trelawney smiled a dreamy smile. "Contestant 3, you could sing the phone book and we would still love it."

"Of course," Contestant 3 winked at Harry.

_One more to go, one more to go,_ Harry thought.

"Now for our FINAL group!" Dumbledore announced.

Contestant 5 (dressed as Neville Longbottom) and Contestant 8 (dressed as Hermione Granger) walked up onstage. Their faces were white.

"Ours is so boring and bland!" whispered Contestant 5. "How are we supposed to compete with the Whoosa Chips?"

"Why are we getting the pimp spot anyway?" Contestant 8 whispered back.

"It's because the host and the sponsor like to screw over the contestants! You remember when Charlie played Faramir two weeks ago, and he didn't even get to do anything?"

"AHEM!" coughed Dumbledore. He ducked as the piece of paper went flying at him. "That's not very sportsmanlike, ladies," he complained, but in a light tone so the audience wouldn't be alarmed (but he needn't have feared; the United Holy Pizza Cartiers were used to that sort of thing).

--

Credits:

Neville Longbottom as 'Margaret' – Contestant 5  
Hermione Granger as 'Other Girl' – Contestant 8  
Extras Provided by scenes in a Monty Python and the Holy Grail DVD  
Surfer Music Provided by the Rent-A-Band  
'Goliath Shore' Supplied by the sponsor  
Crew and Camera Operator Supplied by Castle Depot; "For All of Your Wizarding Castle Needs"

Guest-Starring Eeh'h'h'h'h'h'h (aka "The Dolphin King") as Himself

--

"The Dolphin King?" Dumbledore frowned, and refused to comment more.

* * *

Two girls sit together on a hammock, staring at the lake behind their house.

One of the girls sighs. "I'm bored!" she complains.

"DID SOMEBODY JUST SAY THEY WERE BORED?" a booming cheerful voice calls. The camera zooms in on a giant dolphin that has just jumped out of the lake.

The two girls look excitedly at each other. "Look, Margaret, it's Flipper!" the other girl cries.

The giant dolphin frowns. "Actually," he replies, "my name isn't 'Flipper', it's 'Eeh'h'h'h'h'h'h', but you can call me the 'Dolphin King'!"

"Hooray for the Dolphin King!" shouts Margaret as both girls magically appear in a vast water park with slides and wave pools galore.

Surfer guitar starts in the background as another group of voices sings: "With over 100 rides, we're not a bore! Come and visit the Goliath Shore!"

The two girls happily wave goodbye to the giant dolphin. One of them chirps, "Thanks, DK! Don't be a stranger!"

The Dolphin King winks and the commercial ends.

* * *

The few Game Cube players left in the audience applauded slowly. Everyone else looked confused, as if they knew they had missed some little detail in the commercial but had no idea what it was.

"Sorry, guys, I don't get it," Lockhart shook his head.

"OH MY GOD! DONKEY KONG! YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME!" Harry exclaimed.

"Guess in this case in doesn't matter what the judges think," Contestant 5 smirked, to Dumbledore's dismay.

Dumbledore quickly recovered. "You're right! It doesn't matter what the judges think! It's all about what Harry decides! And does Harry have a decision?"

"Yes, actually," Harry sat up. The forlorn Bottom Three stools looked sharp as a fourth joined them, and the comfy couches on the other side primped to make themselves look even more inviting. The contestants filed back onstage with trepidation.

"I'm going to split you guys up into three groups of four this week," Harry continued. "Two of the groups are going to be able to sit on the couches, while the last group gets to briefly rest their butts on the Bottom Three stools until I announce who doesn't get to be in the Top 10."

As Harry split off his sets Dumbledore voiced over with the details on each contestant. "The first group consists of Contestant 17 ('Ginny Weasley' in the haiku public service announcement), Contestant 3 ('The Mother' in the drink commercial), Contestant 2 ('The Man' in the chip commercial), and Contestant 8 ('Other Girl' in the water park commercial)."

"Congrats, you guys did really well this week, you're all safe," Harry smiled, and then moved on to his next group.

"The second group consists of Contestant 7 ('The Son' in the drink commercial), Contestant 5 ('Margaret' in the water park commercial), Contestant 10 ('Charlie Weasley' in the lotion commercial), and Contestant 4 ('Woman-in-Bar' in the cologne commercial)," Dumbledore intoned.

"Need I tell you you're safe? In case you haven't noticed, I don't try to trip people up when I announce these things," Harry nodded.

"That's very comforting," Contestant 9 replied sarcastically.

Fortunately Harry wasn't bothered at all by this. "Now humor me and sit on the stools!" he hollered.

While he did that, Dumbledore voiceovered, "The Bottom Four consists of Contestant 6 ('The Chips' in the chip commercial), Contestant 9 ('Man-in-Bar' in the cologne commercial), Contestant 1 ('Aunt Petunia' in the lotion commercial), and Contestant 16 ('Uncle Vernon' in the haiku public service announcement)." He returned to a normal voice, "Harry, are you done throwing the poor contestants onto the stools for your perverse amusement?"

"Yes I am!" Harry beamed, then quickly frowned and said, "Contestant 1, I don't think you'd be happy if you stayed on the show after what happened tonight, so I'm knocking you off. Contestant 16… that's just awful to not be able to write a haiku off the top of your head, you're out too." He let a respectful silence pass, then cried out, "Now come on, show us who you are!"

And so it came to pass that on the night of the Top 12 episode of "Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?" Hermione Granger (1) and Oliver Wood (16) were unmasked. Harry was a little bit sad to see Hermione go. So much for H/Hr slash.

"Tune in next week for more surprises with our Top 10! See you then on 'Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?'!"

Roll credits (to the song "Road to Nowhere" by Ozzy Osbourne).

* * *

And the prize for tonight is... a comfy chair! Two comfy chairs for Rekahneko, who guessed both (was the only one who got Oliver), and another one each for Kiara and Jayded for guessing Hermione. I hope you guys enjoy the episodes I have coming up after this, I have all the tasks planned out now except for one...


	6. Your Top 10!

This episode is dedicated to two people who are really really really good friends... who happen to review this story a lot... who happen to be leaving our school next year...

Jayded- She's (virtually) my roommate this year but she's graduating in three weeks and going to a different state for college. She is also proud to be quoted twice in this episode.

Rekahneko- (p.s.: I hope I spelled that right) She's been my totally awesome house advisor for three years straight and she's leaving me to go to graduate school (cry-cry). She also has every single contestant correctly guessed except for 5 and 10 (which means that, yes, it is possible to guess all of them!). And I'm thinking about this just before I'm supposed to meet a few of my other friends to brainstorm a goodbye speech at tonight's special dinner thingie (but by the time you read this, it'll be too late! Mwahahahaha!), so now I'm really depressed...

I'LL MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH NEXT YEAR!

Now on to the chapter.

* * *

"The show started with eighteen contestants. Now that we are only down to ten, each contestant is more and more trying to fend for himself, doing whatever it takes to stay in the competition. What will they have to do next? This… is 'Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?'!" Dumbledore winked and an audience member was felled instantly.

The rest of the audience paused to meditate on Dumbledore's words, and then started cheering as the Rent-A-Band played "It's Goin' Down" to the opening credits.

"Nice opening song," Dumbledore nodded approvingly. This week he was dressed in normal black robes (for once)… but one could detect the clown shoes poking out from the bottom of his clothing. "Let's see what's 'goin' down' with THE JUDGES!"

"What else should I be? GUILDEROY LOCKHART!"

"Of course!" Lockhart combed his hair into a wave and winked, beating Dumbledore's single audience member with his domino effect on the front row.

"What else should I say? SYBIL TRELAWNEY!"

"How flattering!" Trelawney adjusted her glasses and squinted at the stage.

"What else could I write? MAD-EYE MOODY!"

Dumbledore waited.

The audience waited.

Moody rolled his eyes. "Don't wait for me, I'm not responding to any more of these."

"Because now it's MY TURN!" Harry danced out and took a bow before Dumbledore could announce him.

"Um… AHEM!" Dumbledore shouted (yes, the "um" and the "ahem").

"Hel-LO, Contestants!" Harry hollered. "Hey, turn on the screen, willya?"

The screen was turned on.

--

It had to be the first week ever when there wasn't a scared face in the Rad Room. It'd seemed as though they could handle everything; what task could they POSSIBLY get that could be more difficult?

--

"Hey, guys!" Harry waved. "So, I was thinking of a whole bunch of different things, and couldn't decide which one to choose between, so I thought to myself, 'Harry, you're a marvelous thinker! Why not use all of them?' So today you'll be handed a random slip of paper, and you're to bring back here whatever you think it says to bring back. You have a half hour. Good luck!"

* * *

"Okay, here are your slips of paper, off you go now," the stage manager pushed all of the contestants out of the back door and slammed it.

--

Contestant 5 (disguised as Angelina Johnson) glared at the other contestants until they went their own way, because she did not feel like moving from this stoop in front of the door. She sighed, opened up her slip of paper, and read:

"That is not dead which can eternal lie,  
And with strange eons even death may die."

She raised an eyebrow. "That's excessively depressing," she commented to herself. "Why would Harry send something like this?"

Luckily for her, she was a good Divination student, so she could list off the many death symbols that could cause death to Harry.

"What does he want me to save him from? Grims? Thestrals? Mars? Bowler hats? …"

--

Contestant 3 (disguised as Alicia Spinnet) felt slighted as another girl contestant stared him down in his attempt to steal the seat in front of the exit. Instead he had to take his slip of paper to the furniture store across the street, and upon sitting down and opening it he read:

"Well it seems I've finally thought of everything  
I wanna love, I wanna feel  
Find peace, find the real"

"The real what?" his eyes crossed. Poor Contestant 3 was not one for thinking philosophically. He looked around him. "What… is real?" he asked himself.

The radio sang:

"How much is real?  
So much to question  
An epidemic of the mannequins  
Contaminating everything"

"Don't help me!" Contestant 3 wailed.

--

Contestant 6 (disguised as Katie Bell) decided he didn't want to cross the street, and stayed put at a bench inside a nearby bus-stop. Looking through the paper, he could see that the hint only consisted of a couple of words, so he thought, "Maybe this won't be so bad." Then he opened it up and read:

"Today 4 U, Tomorrow 4 Me!"

It took Contestant 6 a few moments to sound out the numbers and letters to see that the note actually read, "Today for you, tomorrow for me," but he still had no idea what it meant. Rather… he knew what it meant, but he wasn't sure how he was supposed to get today for himself and tomorrow for Harry.

Then… an idea struck him. Actually, it wasn't so much an idea as an image in the back of his mind, swirling up from God-knows-where, and even though he had absolutely no idea where it came from, he knew at once that this was the answer.

--

Contestant 5 was surrounded by ideas for death omens. "Right," she nodded, "Grims on this side of the alley, crows on the ash heap, ravens need to quit clawing out the bowler hats…"

--

Contestant 4 (awkwardly disguised as Molly Weasley) sulked as he wandered down the street. He wanted to try to picket at the back door until his disguise was changed, but Contestant 5 ruined that for him by doing absolutely everything but kick him out until he would leave. Now he was just getting sick of the competition. He thought that Harry must think he was some kind of girly-girl or something. His belief was confirmed as he read on his slip of paper:

"Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose  
You can plant any one of those  
Keep planting to find out which one grows  
It's a secret no one knows"

"Blimey," Contestant 4 moaned. "Maybe I should ask my mum…"

--

Contestant 10 (disguised as a Weasley twin) was already heading down a different alley. To him this challenge would be very easy… after all, isn't everything cheap on the black market?

Then he opened his slip of paper and read his clue. It went something like this:

"When the dog bites  
When the bee stings  
When I'm feeling sad  
I simply remember my favorite things  
And then I don't feel so bad"

Contestant 10 stared at the paper. He knew that the lyrics were from _Sound of Music_ because he was forced to watch the movie one time for detention (Filch was a very sadistic bugger indeed). The problem was that he began tuning out the movie around the song about Maria so he did not remember a thing about the other songs in the movie.

Time to condense a three-hour movie into ten minutes!

--

Contestant 9 (disguised as Parvati Patil) had a different conundrum on his hands. His slip of paper only consisted of six words that also happened to be the title of a major song in the movie _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_, and his only thought was this:

"Where the hell am I supposed to find a 'Prince'?"

--

"MUM! MUM!" Contestant 4 screamed into the phone. He didn't know how to use a phone very well. "WHICH ONE GROWS? A SEED? A FLOWER? OR A ROSE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ALL GROW? HAVE YOU PLANTED THEM ALL BEFORE? NO! THIS ISN'T FRED AND GEORGE! NO, THIS ISN'T A CRANK CALL!" He paused. "Oh… She hung up on me."

--

"Are we really here or is this just an alternate universe made up by a robot on a futuristic planet?" Contestant 3 cried to the manager on duty at the furniture store. He grabbed her sleeve and tugged experimentally, "Are you fake? Do you think I'm faking? Do you think we're just figments of somebody else's imagination? What if you're a figment of my imagination? Are you my imagination? Speak to me, oh conscience! Cleanse my soul and make my self eat tomatoes!"

Not sure what else to do, the manager pat him awkwardly on his arm. "Why don't you ask one of the associates to show you to whatever you want?" she kindly responded before handing him off to a speckled nerd with glasses.

_Too many weirdos in the store today_, she thought. There was another guy with red wig in the home theatre room, saying that he would only be a couple of minutes. She wasn't sure if that would be the case; the guy was holding a _Sound of Music_ DVD, and that being one of the longest movies in history, well…

She peeked around the opening into the theatre showroom. Sure enough, Contestant 10 was fast asleep and the large screen was playing:

"Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes  
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes  
Silver white winters that melt into springs  
These are a few of my favorite things"

--

Contestant 2 (disguised as Gabrielle Delacour) was calling on a friend. Her clue read:

"What could be better than the charts?"

She smiled inside. She was the only person she knew who had the scripts to all three Pirates movies memorized, and right now the dialogue stuck in her head was screaming:

"You have the charts?"  
"And better yet! A ship and a crew!"

She stopped at the docks. "MR. TURNER!" she cried.

The surface of the water began to bubble.

--

Knock, knock.

A little old lady opened the door.

"Excuse me," said Contestant 8 (disguised as Sirius Black) as she stood in the doorway. "I was wondering if I could inspect your bookshelves…"

"PISS OFF!" screamed the lady as she slammed the door.

Contestant 8 sighed and looked at her clue again. Nope, it hadn't changed, the clue still clearly stated:

"In a box high up on a shelf  
Left for you, no one else  
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life  
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight"

She originally had hoped that the clue meant something special about a sentimental object or a memory that could link her to Harry, but then she realized that to make a Pensieve requires magic beyond a 4th-year's skill level and there was nothing else she could think of to look for.

So it was off to people's houses she went, searching door-to-door and not finding what she was looking for. It was either that or putting a banana in a condom, stuffing the entire thing in a shoebox, and taping it, but she didn't think the censors would take too kindly to that alternative.

Then she had a brilliant idea.

--

Contestant 17 (disguised as Severus Snape) had yet another completely different clue:

"¿Donde están mis pantalones?"

Her poor mind was confused. Here was a clue written in some kind of Latin-based language, because the word "pantalones" DEFINITELY looked like "pantalon", the French word for "pants". But apart from that she could not read the clue. What did Harry want her to do with the pants? Burn them? Bleach them? Rip them? Wash them?

Just to be safe, she did all four.

--

Two minutes until the commercial break and Contestant 7 (disguised as Charlie Weasley) still had no idea what to do. His clue instructed him to go find an object or a person that represented "emotion incarnate", but the most emotion experienced by someone in his memory came from torturing someone with the Cruciatus curse and he knew that he would be arrested if he did that.

One minute left. Time to make some desperate and risky decisions.

--

Contestant 10 woke up to a voice in the main store shrieking, "I HAVE REACHED ENLIGHTENMENT!" Groaning, he turned to the TV to see a bunch of puppets and goats dancing around on a stage.

"A prince on a bridge of a castle moat heard  
_Lay-ee-oh-de-lay-ee-oh-de-lay-HEE-HOO  
_Men on a road with a load to tote heard  
_Lay-ee-oh-de-lay-ee-oh-de-loo_"

"Good Lord, not that cr-stuff again," he muttered to himself before suddenly realizing that he still didn't catch what Maria's favorite things were and that the commercial was due to start in less than thirty seconds.

"Da–"

* * *

"That was a close one," the woman looks up from her chair and smiles. "Now to inform you of all the things that we do not own and are not responsible for."

The sponsor doesn't own anything but books, DVDs, CDs, or games pertaining to _Harry Potter_, "American Idol", Linkin Park, "Who's Line Is It, Anyway?", Nirvana, H.P. Lovecraft, Alter Bridge, Stone Sour, _The Producers_, _Rent_, Hanson, _Sound of Music_, _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_, Seether, _Pirates of the Caribbean_, Shinedown, 3 Doors Down, random quotes from Jayded, _Lord of the Rings_, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, _Monty Python and the Holy Grail/Spamalot_, Terry Pratchett, _300_, _The Silmarillion_, _The Game of Life_, Potter Puppet Pals, Prince, and Puddle of Mudd.

The Beat-Up Boombox appears courtesy of the author.

"Now time to see who got what!"

* * *

"Annnnnd we're back!" smiled Dumbledore, breathless at the reality of surviving seven pages of Word document (in print format) without saying a single word. "Let's go in the order of contestants and see what Contestant 2 had to bring us! Contestant 2, your clue was 'What could be better than the charts?'"

"Ummmm…" Contestant 2 waved her hand. "I need to throw water on the stage."

Dumbledore paused. "Well…"

"Gee thanks, Professor!" exclaimed Contestant 2 before using magic to flood the entire stage in about 2 inches of water.

Dumbledore's mouth hung open.

Suddenly a giant and imposing ship launched itself out of the pool of water and landed on the surface, inexplicably floating yet at the same time not messing up the stage. Will Turner leaped out into the pool of water and waved.

"A ship and a crew?" Lockhart frowned.

"You bet your as- socks!" Contestant 2 grinned.

"They have butt-stockings in the 21st century?" Will marveled. "Fashion has come a long way."

"You're absolutely correct!" Harry agreed.

Everybody stared.

"I was talking to Contestant 2," Harry clarified.

"You mean I got it right?" Contestant 2 shrieked with joy.

"Hold up, does anybody here need help passing to the Land of the Dead?" Will interrupted.

The studio went silent again.

"You told me somebody was dying at sea out here!" Will turned to Contestant 2 in anger. "What a waste of time! To think I could be so gullible!"

"Look! An undead monkey!" Harry pointed.

"WHERE?" Will jumped, before realizing that it was a joke. "Ha, that was hilarious, I think I'll be going right now," he rolled his eyes and jumped aboard his ship, to the groans of all the Orlando Bloom fangirls in the world.

To Dumbledore's relief, the ship sucked all the water on the stage with it as it left.

Contestant 2 stared at Harry in adoration. "You quoted _Pirates_ again!"

Harry shrugged. "It was nothing," he replied. "You'd better get going, Contestant 3 needs to get his butt out here."

Contestant 3 obediently emerged from backstage. Contestant 2 took one last look and left.

"Harry, we've gone over this 'line-stealing' thing before…" Dumbledore tried to smile, but his eye was twitching as he turned his gaze on Harry.

Harry waved a hand, "Let's take a look at what Contestant 3's got! His clue was…"

"His clue said, 'Well it seems I've finally thought of everything/I wanna love, I wanna feel/Find peace, find the real'. Contestant 3, what did you come up with?" Dumbledore glared at Harry.

Contestant 3 took a look at Harry before he began to speak, saying, "You know, this was a really hard clue. I wanted to find somewhere to hide, and I opened up and let those feelings inside. And I wanted to be anyone else, only to find that there was no one there but me…" The Rent-A-Band started playing music in the background (because, to quote Jayded, "they're just a bunch of college kids who never left") as Contestant 3 continued, "But I woke up to the real life, and I realized it's not worth running from anymore. When there was nowhere left to hide I found out that nothing's real here. But I won't stop now until I find a better part of me. Where did all these background singers come from?" Contestant 3 whirled around. The Rent-A-Band whistled innocently.

"So, in other words, you 'woke up', but you brought nothing back because there is 'nothing real here'. Is that what you're saying?" Moody interpreted for the rest of the audience.

"In a nutshell, yes," Contestant 3 nodded.

Moody frowned, motioned Harry over, and discussed.

"Is something wrong here?" Contestant 3 suddenly became nervous.

"No, no, just that we were expecting you to bring something back," Trelawney smiled.

"Actually, we weren't actually expecting you to be able to think about the clue you got, and then you would bring in some random junk from someone's closet or something," Moody corrected.

"But I did think about it!"

"But you did think about it," Moody stroked his chin.

"But I did thi… oh my god, I thought! I THOUGHT! I thought deeply and perceptively and I philosophized and hypothesized and the result was intelligent! I AM NOT A STATIC CHARACTER-GIT LIKE SOME PEOPLE SAY!" Contestant 3 was ecstatic.

"You're a git?" Harry sighed. So much for that possible life-partner.

"Hey, you said it, not me," Contestant 3 balked at the idea.

"Our next contestant is Contestant 4!" announced Dumbledore, being sure not to give Harry a clear opening to steal his role again. Harry waved apologetically at Contestant 3 as he was replaced by Contestant 4.

"My clue said, 'Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose/You can plant any one of those/Keep planting to find out which one grows/It's a secret no one knows,'" Contestant 4 mumbled.

"His clue said, 'Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose/You can plant any one of those/Keep planting to find out which one grows/It's a secret no one knows,'" Dumbledore declared loudly, pretending that he did not hear.

"And I didn't bring back anything either," Contestant 4 spoke to his toes.

"… Aw, come on, that was supposed to be an easy one too!" Harry exclaimed. "How do you suppose that makes Contestant 3 feel?"

"Extremely intelligent!" was the answer from backstage.

"But it's not easy for me! I don't know a thing about gardening…" Contestant 4 mumbled.

There was a pause.

"Really?" Harry drew out.

"Yeah, despite the fact that every single week I've had to come up here cross-dressing or being Samwise Gamgee. Even though during that first task I sang 'Fade Away' you guys still put a girly label on me, and I'm sick of it! I want sexual liberation!"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I could kick you off the show if that's what you really want."

Contestant 4 stopped and threw his hands in the air, "No, just judge me for what I did this week, I don't care right now if I stay or if I go."

As he left the stage Dumbledore took great care in filing that statement under his mental file of "curious sayings". "Up next we have Contestant 5!" he continued. "OH MY GOD!"

Dumbledore screamed as all of a sudden many, many, many omens of death suddenly dashed onto the stage all at once. Panic gripped the audience as all were pelted by feathers they couldn't see and fears that this might turn out like a scene from _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. "What the heck is this?" yelled Harry.

"It's my collection of omens come to save you from death!" Contestant 5 exclaimed. "Oh."

"Yeah?!"

"Sorry, I only just now realized how stupid that sounded," Contestant 5's face went red and she wished she hadn't let her thought process get away from herself.

"You're darn right that's stupid!" Moody yelled. He blew his whistle and Ministry employees poured in on all sides to summon the creatures elsewhere.

* * *

Words across the screen read: "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES ON THIS STATION. WAIT A FEW MORE SECONDS BEFORE YOU CHANNEL-SURF SOME MORE."

A few seconds pass.

To make up for the time now running out, cheesy organ music begins playing.

Several minutes pass.

Words across the screen now read, "OKAY, WE LIED, IT'LL BE A COUPLE OF HOURS. CARRY ON WITH YOUR BUSINESS," only to be replaced very quickly with, "JUST KIDDING, YOU MUST KEEP WATCHING AT ALL COSTS," before a flat voice finally intones, "Now back to the show."

* * *

"Whew!" Dumbledore wiped his face with a handkerchief as behind him the last of the creatures was rounded off. "We apologize for the uncued commercial break. Now where were we?"

"Sorry, like I said, I got carried away." Contestant 5 was almost crying at this point.

"Seriously," Lockhart rolled his eyes. "This was the guy you were supposed to be trying to find."

He motioned behind him to a figure that was there at the same time that he wasn't there and clothed in long, black, hooded robes. The words "I GUESS I'LL BE GOING THEN," dropped into the minds of everyone in the audience as the figure waved his scythe and was gone.

Curiously enough, the witches and wizards in the studio were not as shaken by this as all the people in the audience. "He's a nice fellow, Death… at least when you get to know him," Dumbledore chuckled before moving on, "Up next is Contestant 6!"

Contestant 6 shoved on the beat-up boombox ahead of him. "Today for you, tomorrow for me!" he exclaimed. ("Quit taking my lines!" Dumbledore growled dangerously. Nobody noticed.) The poor boombox slid across the proscenium and flipped the on-switch as it fell off the stage with a crash.

The techno beat was catchy, and Contestant 6 was forgetting his gaucherie as he danced and rapped:

"It was my lucky day today on Avenue A  
When the lady in the limousine drove my way  
She said, 'Darling, be a dear, haven't slept in a year  
I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear  
Miss Akita Evita just won't shut up  
I believe if you play non-stop  
That pup will breathe its very last high-strung breath  
I'm certain that girl will bark itself to death"

He twirled and beat on random objects as he sang, "Today for you, tomorrow for me! Today for you, tomorrow for me!"

"Okay, okay, we get the point!" Moody yelled. The beat-up boombox withered and died, and the sponsors resolved to have it repaired before next episode.

Harry stood up and applauded. "That was AMAZING!" he shouted.

"I like cauliflower."

"Huh?" Everyone looked around them to try to find the source of the random saying.

"And green beans," continued Trelawney, "but green beans remind me of little worms."

"I don't understand what that has to do with Contestant 6's performance," Dumbledore shook his head, personally knowing and sympathetic to the crazy antics of his Divination professor.

Trelawney's eyes grew wide. "What did I just say?" She searched through the notes on the table in front of her. "Oh, I'm so sorry, that was a comment for somebody else, carry on."

"Up next… Contestant 7 was supposed to find something… or someone… that represented 'emotion incarnate'. Well?" Dumbledore turned to Contestant 7 as he emerged onstage.

Or at least… what should have been Contestant 7. Instead, what emerged was a woman with a big personality and a huge fanbase that started cheering just at the sight of her walking onstage.

"Guess what?" cried Oprah. "Tonight's the night for MY FAVORITE THINGS! Look under your chairs for keys to a new hybrid Jaguar!"

Overwelmed with happiness, the audience members reached under the seats to find… nothing…

Contestant 7 transformed back. "Fooled you, didn't I?" he sneered, to many boos and hisses. "Gentlemen and lady of the judges' table, I present to you my objects of emotion incarnate." He motioned to the audience around him, and the judges' faces turned stormy as well.

"Sorry, but you were wrong. You were supposed to be looking for this guy right here," Lockhart pointed to another corner and David Cook raised his arm and waved. "This is Emo-Boy: he may try to cut off his long bangs but they'll always grow back."

At this everyone in the studio and in all of the neighboring buildings stood up, raised an arm, and chanted, "Hail David Cook, the Emo-Boy! He May Try To Cut Off His Long Bangs, But They'll Always Grow Back!"

"That was so despicable, what you did!" Harry gasped. "That was… that was like… that was… ummmmm… uhhhh…"

"I like cauliflower."

A sweatdrop appeared on the side of Dumbledore's face. "Fine, fine, let's move…"

"And green beans," Trelawney continued, "but green beans remind me of little…"

"Okay, let's move…"

"Worms." Trelawney finished.

Dumbledore nearly popped a vein. "On. With Contestant 8!"

Contestant 8 ran past Contestant 7 (making 'specially sure to "accidentally" shove him aside) and stuffed something white and plastic on the judges' table.

The judges looked down at it. "What is that supposed to be?" Moody inquired.

Dumbledore huffed with frustration, "Hold your horses, Alastor! Wait for me to say the clue!"

There was a long pause. "Yeeeeeees?" Harry raised an eyebrow at Dumbledore.

"Contestant 8's clue was, 'In a box high up on a shelf/Left for you, no one else/There's a piece of a puzzle known as life/Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight,'" Dumbledore articulated quickly, finally happy to get a word in.

"So what is this then?" Moody repeated.

"…" Contestant 8 needed to get her story straight. "I took a journey into the inner part of the city… and all of a sudden, I saw a really bright light."

Cue animated flashback sequence.

* * *

A bright light fades, and a figure that looks like a chibi Sirius Black lands with a thump in the grass of a large meadow.

"The light transported me to the outskirts of Wondagleba, an ancient city in the land of the Mathufezanpla Kerrs, as opposed to the Mathuplaesatfau Kerrs who lived on the other side of the mountains."

The chibi figure stands up slowly, only to find that she is sitting close to the edge of a really large cliff. Below her, on the banks of a wide and sluggish river, is a grey city with high walls and roads stretching from it in all directions.

"The great King Tutibad welcomed me with gifts of fine clothing, jewelry, and perfume. He thought I was wonderful and asked me all sorts of things about the world I came from."

A tall man dressed only in a loincloth talks animatedly to the chibi figure and orders more food. He insists on every need being met, and the figure is content. But suddenly the screen starts shaking and they both look up.

"But all was not well here in this ancient city of Wondagleba. Just moments within my arrival a message arrived from the leader of the Muthaplaesatfau Kerrs saying that an evil menace was afoot in their most holy temple, the Shrine of the Kazaaaaaaaaowa."

Tutibad turns to the chibi figure and they talk for a moment… before both nod and head off to the stables.

"The great King Tutibad agreed to let me come with him. There had to be some reason why I was suddenly transported to this far-away land, and I wondered if maybe the priests at the Shrine of the Kazaaaaaaaaowa would have an answer for me."

Tutibad, the chibi figure, and a host of knights gallop down the road and across the mountains, but when they reach the shrine it is only a terrible fate that awaits them. The chibi figure jumps dramatically off its horse and looks around at the smoking desolation on the steps of the temple.

"We arrived just after a young novice set fire to some popcorn bags and left them on the sacred steps. Emperor Bhoatelcap and High-Priestess Xrdldla apologized very sincerely and invited us inside."

An ornately loinclothed man and an equally-ornately bikini-clad woman bow to Tutibad and the chibi figure and motion them inside.

* * *

"Is there a point to all this?" Dumbledore yawned.

"I'm getting to it!" replied Contestant 8.

* * *

Inside the inner sanctum, a clandestine council is taking place between Tutibad, the chibi figure, Bhoatelcap, and Xrdldla.

"We learned that the forces of evil led by the Ninja Master !potang…"

* * *

"WHOOOOOOOA, say that again?" Harry exclaimed.

Contestant 8 smiled. "His name was," she clicked with her tongue again, "potang…"

"Cool!"

* * *

"Anyway, we learned that the forces of evil led by the Ninja Master !potang stole the most holy and ancient artifact of the Shrine of the Kazaaaaaaaaowa: the last remaining fragment of a device that could bend the will of a thousand enemies to shredded cheese. Now he was amassing together large armies of evil creatures called Yurks…"

The chibi figure shudders then sets her face bravely.

"I agreed to the mission after I learned that this fragment was originally kept on a shelf, and of course, that was what the clue said to look for. But the road was long and perilous… and when I reached the Ninja Master !potang's fortress on the steep summit of Mount Sozizoso I reached out and cut a Silmaril off the crown…"

* * *

"Okay, just stop! STOP!" Moody groaned.

Contestant 8 stopped her story and looked up.

"That is the biggest load of crud and lies I have ever heard in my life! How did you brainstorm all this?" Moody raised an arm in disgust.

"But that's the artifact sitting right there on the table…" Contestant 8 pointed at the little piece of white plastic.

"NOW I KNOW WHAT THAT IS!" Harry suddenly yelled. "That's a missing piece from Mrs. Figg's _Life_ board game!"

"… No it isn't," Contestant 8 shook her head rapidly, praying to God they would still accept it.

Harry glared at her. "You're lying. It is, I can tell. Besides, even if it WAS that artifact you were talking about, you'd still be wrong. This is what you were supposed to find."

Trelawney walked back onstage holding a medium-sized shoebox, and, as everyone watched, she tore the tape off the lid, opened it and took out… a banana wrapped in a condom.

There was only a little bit of silence before Contestant 8 screamed in frustration. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!"

"Next," Harry simply replied.

Contestant 9 walked onstage, dragging a man with stylish eyebrows and a purple suit behind him.

"Hello," he said in his Potter Puppet Pals voice. "I did an online search of a prince's DNA and put it all into a potion to come up with this."

"Sorry," Dumbledore sulked. "I didn't get that because I didn't hear which contestant you were and what clue you had."

"Ignore him," Harry waved his hand away at Dumbledore. "Can your prince sing and dance?"

At those words, the man next to Contestant 9 came alive. A fancy double-armed purple guitar appeared in his hands as he began singing, "You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be…"

Harry's eyes brightened. "OH MY GOD, IT'S PRINCE!"

From behind the judges, an exact twin of the man on the stage cried, "Oh my god, it's me!"

"Do I pass?" Contestant 9 droned.

"Up next, Contestant 10! His clue was, "When the dog bites/When the bee stings/When I'm feeling sad/I simply remember my favorite things/And then I don't feel so bad.'"

"Hey, we weren't finished yet!" yelled Harry as Contestant 9 obediently left with Prince 2.0. "Where is Contestant 10 anyway?"

"I'm here, I'm here! PHEW!" Contestant 10 bolted onstage and panted as he stood in the center.

Moody casually swept off the white plastic game piece. "I see you don't have an object either…" he started.

"And I have a very good reason, I'll have you know!" Contestant 10 declared. "I knew the clue was from _Sound of Music_, but…"

"See, what did I tell you guys about somebody not finishing that movie yet? At the beginning of last week's episode?" Trelawney triumphantly grinned.

"Well…" Harry weighed the possibility of him having time to watch it during Contestant 8's animated flashback, but gave up. "You know what? At least you had the right idea…"

"… I think I'll take that result and go with it," Contestant 10 sighed. Despite his long nap he was still extremely tired.

"Trust me, there were a lot of people tonight who did a lot worse," Moody rolled his eyes.

"Finally, last but not least, Contestant 17!"

"Where are my pants?" Harry grinned as Contestant 17 walked onstage with her plastic bag of… ashes?

Contestant 17's face fell. "Was THAT what you wanted me to find?" she cried… before she suddenly realized, "You're not wearing pants?"

Harry winked.

Dumbledore cringed.

"BODY-SUIT, BABY!" Harry screamed as he ripped off his wizard's robes and danced a disco dance in his skin-tight sparkly blue body-suit. "My! Name's! Not! Lancelot!" he sang.

"AHEM!" Dumbledore coughed loudly, this time to represent the opinion of millions of viewers across the nation.

Harry slowed down and looked around him for the strips of cloth that used to be his wizard's robes. "Sorry… I'm just… proud to display my body, you know?" he giggled.

"I realize that, but we are running out of time for this episode so you need to pick who's leaving and quickly," Dumbledore averted his eyes as he passed Harry a large t-shirt to put on over his body-suit.

Harry took the t-shirt and put it on. "Yeah, about that…" he inhaled, and said, "Actually, I don't wanna go through all the hassle of the bottom three…"

"You WHAT?!" Dumbledore yelped.

"Yeah," Harry answered. "I mean, I'm still a little bit angry about the Oprah thing, so I just wanna outright kick off Contestant 7."

"Oh… oh…" Dumbledore shrugged. He was still mad about that too. "Okay, CONTESTANT SEVEN!"

Contestant 7 glided out. "Yes…?" he sneered.

"You're out of the running. Who are you?"

"I'm what?" he sputtered.

"No, seriously, who are you?" Harry added.

Contestant 7's face turned blue and violet. "… You don't deserve my undying love anyway," he retorted, and then he took off his red wig to reveal…

… long, bright-blonde hair. "There, you snot. Are you happy now?" Lucius Malfoy sneered again.

Harry stared. "… You were competing to be my snuggle-buddy?"

Lucius stared back. "… I don't think I want to talk about this…"

"Tune in next week for another exciting episode of 'Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?'!" Dumbledore grinned back at the camera as Lucius and Harry continued their death-glare match.

Roll credits (to the song "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd).

* * *

Ancient, powerful relics to Rekahneko, Jayded, and Kiara for guessing Lucius! I'd also like to add that I'm putting together a list of American Idol mantras and David Cook is going to win... and if he doesn't he'll sell a better record than whoever does win!


	7. Epi 6 or: Trelawney ODs and I Love Eliza

Hello, everybody! I am ECSTATIC that I finished this chapter! I hope all of you guys are too! Sorry it took so long, but be happy for it because that means that I could toss out the other idea I was working on and replace it with a much better idea for the second half of the chapter.

The song in this chapter is, of course, dedicated to Midnight, but the chapter itself is dedicated to my really awesome and amazing suitemate Khevna. Her talent with languages helped me so much when I was writing the song parody that you will see later on. I hear she is accepting writing submissions as birthday presents, and that sounded like a great plan when I thought I was finishing with this over the summer, but alas, it is months past her birthday now. So I guess the weekend trip we're taking to see Midnight is just going to have to make up for that. THANK YOU SO MUCH, KHEVNA!

I call this chapter "Episode 6 or: Trelawney ODs and I Love Eliza"

* * *

Good morning, good morning. We've talked the whole night through. Good morning, good morning to you.

Lovely lovely lovely. The world just looks lovely. If only I weren't so tired, then I would get up and dance with Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, and Donald O'Connor. But Dumbledore's giving me a weird look so I can't do anything. Why is he looking at me like that? Did he just say something to me? I know I didn't say anything to him… I'm too tired to say anything to him… too tired to lift my arms and wave… or even make a smile…

Harry! _Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!_ Teeheehee! Oops… did I say that out loud? They're all giving me funny looks again… Now Harry is turning on a screen and talking, and I know I should be trying to listen to what he's saying because I don't remember at all what the task idea was supposed to be, but Cosmo Brown says I should make 'em laugh, and I need to figure out exactly how to do that.

No, no, NO! I can play that part way better, Mr. Director! My name is Sibyl Trelawney and I can play that part way better than Lina Lamont ever could. Look at Don, he doesn't even LIKE her! Just give me some time to get away from this competition… away from this judges' table… here, I can hum a few bars, maybe they won't even notice! They're too busy watching somebody, maybe I should be watching too… I can too pantomime facial expressions! I just don't feel like it right now because my face is too dead…

Cosmo asks me if I'm up to the challenge. _Yes, Cosmo! Yes I am! I'm ready whenever you want me!_

… Whoops, that wasn't Cosmo, that was just Lockhart to whoever that person was on stage. What did that contestant just do? Shoot, am I supposed to comment? What am I supposed to say?

_I love to cook! Cooking is fun! Cooking is delicious deliciously fun!_

… I think they skipped my turn. Or maybe I already said something out loud. Either way, Dumbledore's giving me a weird look again and I'm not sure if I like it. How many more contestants are left? I can't keep track of them all…

This is going by way too quickly. It looks as though there are two people on the stage… whoever those people are… and I have no idea what they're doing at all whatsoever. Donny, how could you ever let him talk to me like this, your fiancée? Huh? When did I ever start talking like that? _Good morning, good morning to you._

Oh, no! That person just tripped and fell all over herself… himself… herself? Herself! Poor dear… oh look, somebody's come and wrapped his arms around her and pranced off with her! Good for him! He's a good dancer, and so graceful… so nice of him to come to the rescue… who does he remind me of? MONKEY-BOY! _HAIL HENRY_…aaaaah, too many words, I forget… _HAIL MUTT, THE MONKEY-BOY! MAY HIS MONKEY ARMY FOLLOW HIM FOR ETERNITY!_

Why's everyone staring at me? I'm just giving him credit for doing a good job. No, Dumbledore, that contestant didn't overdose on Midol and Ritalin, it was me! That was me! Don't give him my credit! Otherwise it's gonna say on the screen that I don't talk and sing for myself… even though I do talk and sing for myself. Can I dance? I wanna dance. Nobody's on the stage anymore, maybe I can…

Wait a second, nobody's on the stage anymore? Finally! Show's over, I can go home! If I can even stand up that is…

When did the seats get to be so low? Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh… OW! You've always been such a beautiful desk, so why do you have to be so cruel and knock a standing person down by the legs?

Oh, thank you for helping me up. Yes, I will accept your apology.

There's an awful lot of people still in the crowd for a finished episode. What are they waiting for? I'd better make an effort and tell them all to go home.

_WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? GO HOME! THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SEE HERE, AND YOU GUYS ARE WASTING TIME WHEN YOU COULD PROBABLY BE CATCHING UP ON SOME SLEEP OR SOMETHING!_

Nobody's moving. Oh well, their loss.

It's been said that Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously. But Moses, he knowses his toeses are not roses as Moses supposes his toeses to be. Today I thought my toeses were roses but then I looked more carefully and I realized that somebody had painted my toenails while I was asleep. How nice of them.

Oh my gosh, there's a crazy old man chasing after me with a wand! I'm trying to run but I'm just… too… tired… oh, it's Dumbledore, wonder what he wants… zzzzzzzz…

--

"Hehehe…" Dumbledore chuckled nervously as he hauled Trelawney's body back to her judge's seat. "… She's not dead, you know!" he added, before getting back onstage, brushing off his suit, and continuing. "And now let's continue with a word from our sponsor."

* * *

A woman rocks in her rocking chair by a window in her room, trying to stay away from the virus that is spreading amongst the people outside. "Now to tell you about all of the things that the sponsor doesn't own and isn't responsible for… don't worry, it won't take long. With Trelawney's little… accident… the only thing left is the results and trust me, she tuned out most of the outside references that would need citing," the woman laughs.

The sponsor does not own anything but books, CDs, DVDs, or games pertaining to Harry Potter, _Singin' In The Rain_, _Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb_, Indiana Jones, Potter Puppet Pals, YouTube, _Enchanted_, American Idol, Lord of the Rings, _The Band Wagon_, Linkin Park, the Backstreet Boys, "Silly Songs With Larry" (better known as part of Veggie Tales), and the Beatles.

The Beat-Up Boombox has been newly fixed but it still appears courtesy of the sponsor. Some strings of jokes also appear/appeared in Midnight's HP fanfic that she used to write ages ago. Many thanks to Khevna for her knowledge of (literally) twenty different languages.

"Well, to catch you guys up, there was a lousy dance competition, and personally I'd say that Contestant 9 was the only smooth dancer, surprisingly enough," The woman shrugs. "Harry's got his work cut out for him, trying to pick who's gonna leave. Let's see who's going home!"

* * *

"She called me a monkey! Just because some I have monkey-ears on some lousy puppet YouTube videos does NOT excuse her calling me 'Monkey-Boy'!" Contestant 9 pouted in his Potter Puppet Pals voice.

"Take it as a compliment," Dumbledore hissed at him, before smiling at the camera. "And we're back! Let's review the dance couples and learn if they're staying or if they're the bottom two!"

"I was gonna do that…" Harry stuck out his tongue at Dumbledore.

"Ah, the maturity of youth…"

"Piss off," Harry muttered, before turning his attention to Couple Number 1. "Contestants 3 and 8, you danced the tango. Contestant 8, you did well, even though this was probably one of the easiest dances we could have given you. However, Contestant 3, you seemed to be messing the both of you up by trying to take the lead when it was obviously her turn…"

"Psh, yeah!" Contestant 3 flipped his hair and huffed. "That's because I'M the superior dancer in this competition! Watch me be graceful!" He twirled. "Watch me! Watch me! Peasants, that's your taxpayer dollars at work!" He posed, giving Prince Edward a run for his money.

"Uhhhh…" Harry squirmed, watching Contestant 3 and his sexy stance. He gulped. "You're both definitely safe," he nodded.

Contestant 8 sighed. _Top 8, here I come!_

"Next!" Harry squeaked. He cleared his throat and continued, "Couple Number 2, Contestants 4 and 6. Now, here's the main consensus the judges have… you made a very awkward dance couple."

The judges winced.

"I say kudos though." Harry shrugged.

"Really?" Contestant 4 sounded surprised.

"Yeah, because it was obvious you guys practiced a lot on that waltz. If there's one thing I'm looking for in a snuggle-buddy, it's dedication." Harry nodded, and the two contestants high-fived each other.

"What, you mean they're safe?" Moody sat appalled.

"Yup!" Harry grinned, before moving on to Couple Number 3. "Contestants 9 and 5 doing ballet. Contestant 5, you do realize that Contestant 9 saved your butt, do you?"

"Yeah." Contestant 5 seemed to be well aware, because she wasn't meeting anyone's eyes on that stage.

Instead of berating her, Harry turned to Contestant 9 and beamed, "You were so awesome with that catch! I didn't know that anybody I knew was that good at dancing…"

"Except for me!" cried Contestant 3.

"…" Harry looked back at the already-saved contestants, shook his head with confusion, and cried, "I don't even know who you are! You're safe, by the way." He waved back to Contestants 5 and 9, and the two of them silently cheered and stepped out of the path between Harry and Couple Number 4.

"Contestants 10 and 17, you guys had to do a samba. The judges thought that Contestant 17 was very sensual, but Contestant 10, you were comparable to a proverbial wooden plank. Yes?" Harry turned to Contestant 17, who had just raised a hand.

"You're going to kick one of us out, aren't you?" Contestant 17 whimpered.

"Quite contraire!" grinned Harry, not noticing the sudden whispering between Dumbledore, Moody, and Lockhart.

"But…" Contestant 10 realized. He was thick, but not THAT thick… he could count…

"There's still another couple, right? Couple Number 5! Oh…" Harry drooped as Couple Number 4 stepped aside to reveal… half of Couple Number 5… all of Couple Number 5…

"You can't have five couples with only NINE PEOPLE!" scowled Contestant 2.

"Uh… um…" Harry scratched his head. "I guess this means that you're…"

"This is beyond stupid!" Contestant 2 screamed, throwing her disguise away to reveal hair as red as her temper. "For crying out loud, you can't expect coupled dancing with an odd number of people, so why are you penalizing me for working by myself?!" Ginny Weasley stormed.

"Why, my dear, it's all fun and games when you get down to it," Dumbledore threw his cheesy grin at Ginny in reply.

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Okay, I can see this is going NOWHERE." She turned to Harry. "In a year or so, whenever your 'snuggle-buddy' DUMPS you, you'll know where to find me."

With that, Ginny stomped offstage and out of the episode.

…

"Well," Harry scratched his head. "That was a bad ending and no mistake."

"No kidding," Lockhart agreed.

"No worries," Dumbledore grinned, then held up a piece of paper from his pocket. "I have a letter here from our sponsor concerning a girl who used to be a student with you guys at Hogwarts… I believe her name is Midnight?"

Immediately Harry jumped back and curled up into fetal position. "Nuh-uh! She was MEAN to me! I was so glad the day she dumped us to hang out with those LOTR geeks…"

"Yeah, yeah, well, ANYWAY…" Dumbledore continued. "This letter says that there is some cause for celebration: Midnight has finally seen Linkin Park for the first time."

"After they went lame, cheesy, and poppy? Boy, I feel sorry for her," Moody smirked.

"… I resent that," the lead singer of the Rent-A-Band muttered.

"Well, when I heard the news, naturally I wanted to do something for her. So, I tracked down an old friend…" Dumbledore grinned evilly. "And, of course, he was so heart-broken about it that he agreed to perform without a hitch. You ready, Draco?" he called back.

"Yeah," Draco ran onstage. "Just let me make sure I have all my backup singers in place." He sang, "Newly-Fixed Boombox!"

"I is here!" the Newly-Fixed Boombox played back as it dropped out of the sky.

"Nick Carter on piano!"

"Mmmm, hee-ah!" Nick flicked a wrist as he sat down on the piano bench.

"Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Ginny, Neville, Cho, Sirius, Snape, McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Crabbe, Goyle, Percy, Pansy, Colin, Parvati, Lavender, Marcus, Lupin, Charlie, Bill, Fleur, Gabrielle, Seamus, Dean, Angelina, Alicia, Katie, Cho, Viktor…" Draco took a gasping breath as he tried to remember who else. A large crowd of people stood and stared at him, waiting for him to finish. "… Oh, whatever, you know who you are…" he gave up.

"WE IS HERE! WE ALL HERE!" they danced and sang.

At this, Draco jumped into dancing as he sang, "Well, if you all is ready and you're going steady -"

"AHEM!" Dumbledore coughed loudly.

"- get going, Louisiana Hay- … oh," Draco stopped. "That's right, I wrote a different song to sing instead." He looked over to Nick Carter, who was straddling his piano seat and dancing with a huge grin on his face.

"I'm READY!" cried Nick as he jumped the piano bench so he was facing the piano once again.

Draco sighed. Nick's fingers hovered over the keys, aching (in this case, "ach"ing) to play. Then, to the tune of "I Love Louisa", he sang, "Nothing like a glass of milk."

"WAAAAAAAAARM MILK!" boomed Nick in an operatic voice that was quite unlike him.

"Milk that's warm and soothing milk," Draco sang.

"WAAAAAAAAARM MILK!"

"When I drink warm milk, I'm dreaming..."

"Ahhh, so refreshing!" Nick sang. The crowd in the back nodded in agreement.

"But there's someone I dream for more than warm milk…" Draco trailed off.

"Is it me?" Nick mouthed and pointed to himself.

Draco shook his head.

Nick sighed. "Sigh…"

The crowd in the back animated themselves as Draco moved around them and sang, "I loved Eliza, Eliza loved me. When we fought the overgrown Barbies I'd – "

"GLUMP!"

" – glomp Liza." Draco finished, proud of his sound effect even though his hand motion was questionable. He continued singing, "And then Eliza, Eliza glomped me. We were so happy, so young and Rob-free!"

"ACH! ACH! LOUISA!" boomed Nick. "JE SUIS ORGANIZA!"

"Ach, Park boys took her," Draco sang. "And they're a bunch of losers."

Nick nodded fervently as the all-but-forgotten Rent-A-Band twitched.

"Someday Rob Bourdon, Rob Bourdon will be dumping her to come back to me!" Draco finished singing as he danced around.

"Remember this next part you need an accent… parts of the original were in German," Dumbledore warned him.

"What?! I don't remember any German!" Draco protested, but unfortunately the musical interlude between the two verses was ending and it was too late.

Suddenly a coffee table and sofas levitated from trapdoors on the stage. Draco jumped up on the coffee table and the crowd of backup singers gathered around him on the sofas. Somewhere in the background, an orchestra was playing on a Newly-Fixed Boombox. Had Nick Carter been fake-playing the piano this whole time?

Draco tried his accent the best he could as he started the second verse, "Now some may think that chocolate's fine."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARM MILK!" ("COME ON, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!" Dumbledore shouted over Nick and the Sofa-Sitters.)

Draco tried again, twisting a finger at the corner of his mouth, "Like too perzent or skeem deevine!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARM MILK!" ("CLOSE ENOUGH!")

Emboldened by this praise, Draco pressed on further down the path of questionable accents as he continued, "Und ven I dooze ouf, ouls my clothzes ouf I dwink a toest –" Draco couldn't roll his r's. " – to ze snoozy dwink und gvirly I loff mohst!"

The once enthusiastic crowd of backup singers now looked at each other puzzled as to what Draco just sang. It could only get worse, as the all-German chorus was next.

If Draco was panicking, it certainly didn't show on his face. He could do anything, Draco Malfoy. Speaking fluently in twenty languages was NOTHING to him.

He sang:

"Ich liebe Eliza, aloha me oui  
Puedo ir al baño je t'amie usta Eliza  
Und dann Eliza, no ñíqui ñíqui  
Pepino, tomate, y mayo para mi"

"Wow, he can do ANYTHING!" Harry exclaimed.

The backup singers jumped off the couches and sang, "Ooh, la, la, Lousia! Ich bin utiliza!"

"Park boys have got her!" sighed Nick.

"And they're a bunch of loooooosers!" the backup singers wagged their fingers at the audience.

"… I resent that too." The buzz-cut-haired emcee muttered as the backup singers paired off and danced around the stage.

"Crabbe and McGonagall?" the audience wondered.

"Goyle?" wondered Professor McGonagall.

Rather than dance with anyone in particular, Draco decided to twirl around on the table. Maybe this was because he thought flamenco was somehow part of German culture.

"Ooh, la, la, Louisa! Ich bin utiliza!" everyone onstage sang. "Park boys are not hers, cuz they're a bunch of looooooosers."

"We're in good company," one of the Rent-a-Band members pulled out a rollcall list for the Losers Club. It never stopped unrolling.

"Some day Eliza, Eliza will be - " the backup singers sang.

"Sick of Max and return to me!" Draco finished on a triumphant high note.

Three all-around shouts of warm milk and the audience was on their feet with a standing ovation. Several pairs of underwear found themselves at Draco's feet, but it was difficult to tell whether they came from the audience or someone making a joke in the grid over the stage.

"Yes, yes, yes, good show. Wonderful song. GREAT music…" Dumbledore clapped and made his way over to pat Draco on the back. "However…" the audience quieted, "she didn't actually get to see Rob Bourdon. He wasn't at the show."

Draco's jaw dropped. "WHAT?! What a jerk…"

"I resent that!" cried the drummer of the Rent-A-Band.

"And I think we need to pay someone some big money to try to translate that mess of a chorus," Dumbledore shuddered.

Gabrielle stepped forward. "Well…"

Ich liebe Eliza, aloha me oui – "The first part is German: 'I love'. But then it goes into Hawaiian and some really awful French."

Puedo ir al baño je t'amie usta Eliza – "The first part of this line is in Spanish, and it roughly translates to 'I am able to use the bathroom'. I think the second part is supposed to be 'I love you' in French, and 'usta' is the Polish word for 'lips'."

Und dann Eliza, no ñíqui ñíqui – "'And then' in German… I don't think I want to translate the Spanish on live TV, at least for Sims players…"

Pepino, tomate, y mayo para mi – "In Spanish, this means, 'Cucumber, tomato, and mayonaise for me'."

"But I'm telling you, I've gone to German-speaking countries on holiday! That was how they spoke! The peachy grits were tasty, as I recall," Draco nodded.

Who could possibly counter THAT statement?

"Who's Louisa? … And who the hell is Max?!" Moody grumbled.

"Tune in next week for the next exciting challenges and trials that will greet our remaining contestants on 'Who Wants To Be Harry's Snuggle-Buddy?'!" Dumbledore smiled, but with a sense that there was more to the "trials" part of his statement than what met the eye.

Roll credits (to the song "The End" by the Beatles).

* * *

Harry's face fills the screen as he sings, "And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make!"

* * *

Okay, guys, so I have an AMAZING idea that just randomly popped into my head today, and I'm going to use it for the next chapter... but the problem is, we're heading into college application season, so as awesome as this idea is, it might not be until after I get through college apps that I actually get enough time to post. If I'm wrong and I update again before November 1st, then you guys are allowed to review and call me a slacker. I'll deserve it.

An even better idea would be to review and guess who the contestants are. I KNOW you guys know who they are, and some of the ones left should be extremely obvious. And besides, I like giving out cookies. Today's cookie in the shape of a trophy goes out to rekahneko for guessing Ginny. More to come? I hope!


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